Escape to Beestonia Part Three: MELTDOWN!!

I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking “why on Earth is Matt posting articles when he should be either in bed in the luxury Beestonian hotel that is the Rockaway, or snuggled up on a dollar-stuffed sofa with his new bride, the rose-sniffin’, teddy-huggin’ Theresa Lucy Lou?” . I’m as sad as you are that I’m here typing instead of loving it up, I feel your pain. I will explain.

I go to bed last night, read for a bit, check my email here and there, and just as the light goes off and my weary troubled head hits the pillow, the familiar ping of an email is heard. Its Teri. Oh good. I put on my dressing gown,  stretch, and go and put the kettle on…..

But this is no missive full of love and longing. Shes a tad annoyed….


Look i have cancelled my flight and i am so disappointed in you
I trusted you
I thought i was about to have a new life
But you FAILED MEYour friend RUI or whatever you call him is a moron
I was arrested at the western union store for bringing in wrong information.
I had to be bailed outI later called the lady in singapore and she was very disappointed with me.And called me unproffessional
I hope you are happy giving mr fake information
I asked you to go outside your city to send this money
And you still telling me stories about a guy named Rui!!!THERE IS NO MONEY AVAILABLE



Oops. She canceled her flight. She got arrested. She hates me. This is awful. I’m back like a shot. I can’t have her slipping away now:



I can’t believe you cancelled the flight, I had a big surprise for you at Birmingham Airport, four horses drawing a golden carriage to ride you back to Beeston as a PRINCESS DESERVES.

Please try another means to get here. Is there a train maybe, or a bus? I NEED you.

If you can’t come here, then I am coming to Malaysia as soon as possible! If you want I will stop off in Delhi and find that moron RUI, I think he may have done thison purpose to steal our money. HE WILL NOT GET AWAY!

I will fly out tomorrow. We will be together soon, and forever. I will never disappoint you again (this is why I must once again remind you I am not experienced in ‘ways of the flesh’, so expect that to be poor for the first few ‘entrances’)

Tell me dear, tell me I am still your knight in shining armour, and you are my Princess, locked in a tower, with a sofa. Tell me, as I am coming to rescue you

Take my hand, we’ll make this elsewhere

Matt (Prince?)

Ten minutes later, and she replies. My comforting words have not tempered her rage:


I believe you have taken me for a jolly ride
And everything seems funny to you.You gave me a fake Western union number
You got me arrested
The lady is very disappointed about my delay
Now i will have to change my flightYOU LIED TO ME

Oh dear. Is a ‘jolly ride’ a good or bad thing?

Best tell her my new plan:

I dont understand!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1
I haven’t taken you for any rides, though i still have the horses booked? I just did my best, I dont know whats messed up. Im just very upset and have been crying till there was nothing but salt.

When I land in Malaysia I will go to the Western Union offices and reign fire down! How dare they arrest you? No one gets to shackle you, NO-ONE!

I think I have a flight that will get me there by local time 1650 hours, on Friday. I have your address now so will make my way round, I will bring flowers and chocolates? Do you like Milk Tray over Celebrations? Either, I will bring. I will ring you beforehand, or could leave it as a surprise????

I am just waiting to get the ticket processed, I will just get one-way for now.


I’m on my way babe



I wait. And I wait. Nothing. Have I finally scared her off? I go to sleep, reluctantly, and not giggling childishly WHATSOEVER.

I awake early, and instantly check my email. Nada, nothing. I get up, and go for a walk round Beestonia, thinking of my lost chance to be rich, charitable, and with a girl of such a calibre as Teri. Then, my phone beeps. I check. Oh my. Its a text. And its Malaysian:

I have been sad nd in tears becoz i trusted u nd ws abt 2giveu my heart. isent u emails. read it nd get bk 2me via email. i look at ur picture, and hoping i cn fly nd be wit u this friday, reply me via email.


I abandon my planned comfort-shop in the hallowed halls of Argos, and gallop home with gusto. There are in my inbox, as my sweet love promised, emails. Plural.

The first is unequivocal….

Are you out of your senses?
Do you want to blow everything.


OK…is it over???

I forget the fact I have two messages, and fire off an urgent response:


I do not want to blow anything! Blowing is not a thing I intend to do, just loving, and that is why I now have a one way ticket to Kuala Lumpa International! I told you, nothing will keep us apart! Im coming for you darling, my sweet love, I’m coming for you

And We Can Build This Dream Together
Standing Strong Together
Nothings Going to Stop Me (us?) Now



I then remember her second message, and open it, and my heart explodes with rapturous joy…..

Listen very carefullyYou never sent me any money
Go back to who so ever you sent the money from
Or you moron friend and have your money backI am tired of lies and deceit from you men
I almost gave you my heart, but what do i get?DISAPPOINTMENT AND HURTIts taken you 3 days to send just $3000 and you claim you love me?huh
I warned you to go outside you city and look for another western union did you?
No you didnt.Instead you sent me fake numbers and got me arrested
Now i have to change my flight

And now you tell me shit about coming down here?
Dont even try it

I am so mad and angry with you
You have failed to prove yourself as a man
Love is all about care
But you dont care about me at all.

I am really hurt and mad at you



I dry my eyes, and type off a response:

Princess Terry

How can you come here Friday? I am coming to you! Wait there for me! Or where is your stop-over? We could meet there.

I thought today we would be together and wrapped in each others arms talking about charities and orphanages and you calling me your teddy bear and me laughing nervously and trying not to sweat so much. But no. I have lost $3,000, my membership in the Church, friends who tried to tell me I was mad so HAD TO GO, and my heart. Which is in your hands. I want it back, not just for me, but to share with you, half and half. If you come here, what am I to do? I have never been to Malaysia and will be scared. Are people there as cruel there as they are here?

Terry, please help




Mere moments later….



Go outside your city and send me the money
My new flight is friday
If you blow it this time then i will know you dont really care

I just got the new confirmation my new flight is on friday

Or you can send $1500 from a Moneygramm store

Babe! I will stay here then! I am off to the Western Union NOW. I will not let you down. I think Rui was a a con-man and stole my money? How could someone do that to us? I have never hurt ANYONE! Only heretics and animals.

I will try and find the money to give you, I might need to dig very deep….when is your flight on Friday? I GUARANTEE you will get it before then. TRUST ME as I TRUST YOU. LOVE ME as I LOVE YOU. Which is lots, by the way.

Our happy life begins soon

Tell me you love me. Tell me your favourite fruit also. I like the PEACH. You?



And after that….

MATTT! (Note how anger has caused poor spelling)

You are really driving me mad now
Do you understand if you come the police might suspect i am with money linked to the drug guy my former friend.
What else dont you understandDO NOT COME HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!And why cant you send me money anymore?
Cant you keep your promises?
I resheduled the flight to friday do you understand that?Send me the BTA as promised and stop telling the world and your friends about me
YOU ARE PUSHING ME AWAY!!!Are you going to help me or not?

I thought I was your babie



Before i can respond she writes again

Lets get serious now babeListenMy new flight is friday
Can you still send me atleast $1500?
You can always go outside your city to get it sent
And tommorow is the only day you can have it sent because Friday is a general holidayDo you still want me to trust you?If yes then prove to me you can help me now that am downI need you to prove your love for me now ok?
And when i arrive we can relocate to a new place

And with that money we will have a more happy life
We can help people too.




Its getting late in Malaysia now, and no timing is running out. I post what is now, and possibly the final ever email:



And I will do that!

I need some details from you to send the money through Moneygramm, I raise £1,500, do not ask me how!!!

If I hear nothing by tonight I will fly over Friday, I check your address on googlemaps so dont need a taxi! LOVE WILL BRING ME TO YOU.

Your heart, are souls,


A text arrives

Am scared now. Dnt come. Plz dnt come. Teri.


I text back



No reply. Then I get a message via this very blog from a stranger called simply ‘GD’  in London.

I can not believe what i’m reading. I thought I was the only person who new about this.

Ha ha.


A moment later, he sends another. My heart tears asunder, my jaw smashes down through the earths crust…

Traveler: Teresa Lou

Depart: Sat Jan-2-2010

Singapore (SIN)
Depart 11:59 pm
Terminal 1 to London (LHR)
Arrive 6:20 am +1 dayTerminal 3 14hr 21mn British Airways 7371

Business Class, 388

Depart: Sun Jan-3-2010

London (LHR)
Depart 11:25 am
Terminal 5 to Paris (CDG)
Arrive 1:45 pm
Terminal AEROGARE 2 TERMINAL A 1hr 20mn British Airways 308

Business Class, Meal, Airbus A320

Paris (CDG)
Depart 4:40 pm
Terminal AEROGARE 1 to Birmingham (BHX)
Arrive 5:05 pm
Terminal 2 1hr 25mn British Airways 6105
Operated by: FLYBE LIMITED

Oh god, no…PING! Its GD again:

I have checked on the British Airways website. The flight from Singapore does not exist but the flight to Paris is for real.
I was thinking of sending her the pictures she sent Matt and tell her I found them on the internet. However, we do need a happy ending like any good story should end.

My most recent message…..I assure you its all risk free,and this lady is trustful.
And i am willing to donate to your charity on your behalf,i also understand you wont for any reason jeopardize your life for something risky.
But i assure you that its very beneficial.Just dont let me downI just got back from singapore 2hrs 13mins ago.
I had to go back to the lady to give her the upfront as earlier a bank draftShe then adviced me to have in hand atlist $4000 in cash,so i can show the immigration at the point of entry that i am capable of funding my stay
She said its called BTA (Basic travelling allowance)and its a normal british rule that everyone with a tourist visa has to prove they are capable of funding there stay.

I had already withdrew every peeny in my account which i have been saving to buy myself a home some day,i also took loan from 2 local loan officers to balance up the total sum.
We have to deal with this lady proffessionally .

Right now i will be needing a little contribution to balance up my BTA.
$1500 will be a great contribution from you,i am so scared and nervous about all this

If after all i have been through you let me down
I will be very devastated.
This is my only chance of getting a new life

There is alot to share and invest from this money
I am trusting you whole heartedly.

Please get back to me as soon as possible


That was the  sound of my soul being crumpled into a ball and tossed into a small wire bin. Teri has been unfaithful. She never loved me. This has all been a sham.

This should have ended tonight, I would have loved a nice little Trilogy to wrap up with, but I am keeping it open a while longer…and not at all because I’m bitter Teri has shared her love and hedged her bets.

I have a few possible ways to end this:

  • My friend Adele’s suggestion, that  I should  “have a fatal accident on the way to the western union, and your good friend Dr Lector should discover her email address & Photograph tapped to your heart and write to inform her that you’ve changed your will to leave her everything…….with conditions….”
  • The always brilliant Jon’s suggestion that: “I think your airline pilot friend in whom you’ve confided (you have an airline pilot friend in whom you’ve confided, by the way) should tell you that Teri is not on the passenger list for the flight she has specified. You, of course, are worried.”
  • Perennial/ LongTerm Beestonian and soon-to-be my Agent, Charlie: “Last email to ‘Teri’ could be from Scotland Yard from your computer stating that you’ve been arrested for money laundering through Western union – they state the number that you gave Teri – but say the transaction was stopped. They then continue to mention that they have traced the cell phone calls/texts and are on theire way to the far east. They know where ’she’ is.Or maybe Rui could have taken the money……………………….”
  • Or maybe my landlords suggeestion when I chatted to him earlier: ‘Tell her I will pay it, but first I must ask her a rigorous set of questions about her ability to pay utilities, her record on cleanliness and tidiness, and one good reference. The sofa would be a definite bonus though…”

So thats how it lies now. No neat conclusion, more a set of ways to get this into an endgame…tell me what you think. I have an appointment with a bottle of ditchwater Sauvignon , so must dash


Escape to Beestonia…Part Two: Here she comes!

Its all been very exciting here.  Teri is 24 hours away from the Rockaway Hotel. But my, is she getting on edge. She must be a nervous flyer…. here we go, I swear I couldn’t make this anymore bizarre if I tried…




Oops! Forgot all about her for a moment. I explain my predicament

I have been in much trouble today, I need you to tell me all is ok as my mind and heart are aching so. Today was a bank holiday in the UK, and I couldn’t withdraw money from my account. I can only take £300 a day from an ATM, but will have to wait until tomorrow to get the full amount sorted.

Is everything ok my love? I was very angry when i saw the bank was closed and was in trouble with the police, but they let me go after I promised not to push anything else through their letterbox.

Can you wait a few more hours? I am so so worried I need to take some pills. Please tell me all is ok.

I just wish you were safe here, sitting on a sofa full of dollars.

Miss you


She replies. Poor, confused Teri…

I dont get you?




I cannot get to banks as it is 1.22 am here! Though there is hope!!!

Are you ok????? Tell me!! I have been nearly dying sitting here! God has deserted me, i keep asking him for guidance, and all I hear is BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ but that may be my medication. Help!

I need you to tell me you are ok, I found a way to get the money to you before the banks are opened!

I have done bad things to a goat to help my luck! Its loss will make you here, its what i NEED. Tell me what we can do! I can HELP! NO MORE SACRIFICE!!!!



Now, the rest of this happens whilst I got seriously familiar with a box of red wine… the more I drink, the more fun this becomes… her patience now ebbs

When will you be able to send me the money?


I decide to see if I can wring some cash out of her, just for the sake of irony….

I can send it NOW!! I have found a WAY!! Like Jesus always could!! But different!!! Western Union will let me send a maximum of $1,500 to you NOW and then again $1,500 dollars once that has been processed. I talked to the man on the phone he is also a Christian, we are all BLESSED. We need what is called an ‘ATL’ first, this is basically proof the transaction runs between two places and is therefore doesnt have to pass through their administration!

This is normally an lenghty, time consuming route, but I told him that their was A CHRISTIAN IN TROUBLE, and promised him and his sick mother a prayer session if he could speed stuff up, his name is Rui, and he is in the Western Union office in Delhi…you want his number? He is a very nice man. Though he will never love me like I love you.

All you have to do is put the smallest of currency through a link here

I have my bank details here so it will show up, and automate the system so I can send the money. Just send one cent, it will count!!!! I will give it you back, in cash or in kind!!!

We are running out of time. You maybe losing your mind over this with your flight soon but worry not my sweet love, I love you, and even if you fly, angels have wings, and wings make you fly.

Be fast, I cant keep Rui on hold much longer, we need to get the money to you

I’m dying here

Revive me



This throws her into a tail-spin

I dont understand all this Matt.I am so confused.
My bags are packed
And my flight is tonight.Right now i still dont get what you are trying to say?

I dont know what to think?
Are you trying to say you can send the $3000 at once

And you friend Rui is in Delhi?
Where is Delhi?

I am so hurt right now.
Please explain


Oh dear…i try and settle her fluttering heart

All i need to do, is show Rui in Delhi (Delhi is in India-its a country i think near you- where they process transactions for Western Union )

He says that you have to deposit one cent to me before i can send, I am very angry with him but he says its the LAW!!!

I say there is no LAW apart from the LAW OF JESUS CHRIST THE SAVIOUR but he says there is and that you must put one cent into western accounts, even if one cent before he can let the money go. I hate him, and he will burn in hell when we are together, but for now, i cannot change.

I have $3,012 -the exchange rate has fluctuated- ready right now! I am SO excited I could ache. But SO worried you miss your flight I know a CHRISTIAN website you can use! Just donate one cent or a DOLLAR or two cents and Rui in Delhi will let the money to you, then we will be together!

I know im probably being silly with my love here, but $3,012 is worth IT!!!





Surely  this will calm her? Errrr, nope.

I still dont get this.
How do you want me to donate this?
I dont have any credit or debit cards no more because i cancelled all.because i dont want traces of me after i leave.How come the money is coming from India?
What did you do?And were you able to send money to Rui?
I still dont get all this.

Babe as soon as i arrive we can have enough money to send to Rui and donate to many other charities.

There is no way i can do donations when i dont have cards.
Do you understand me?

I dont know what to thinkanymore


Its 2.55am now, and I’m clinging onto reality with frequent top-ups of very poor red wine.

I only want my money to go to you now!!!! There is another option

Rui (my mobile an out of battery power when I was shouting at him) said that any way you can forward me money to facilitate what he calls a ‘bridge’ would be good. I think he means our transaction would be legitimate, cos there are bad people out there! Its horrible to think we could be seen in such a way,, its almost enough to make me want to slaughter something!!! I wont though, I have no things.

What can we do???????




Let him deduct it from the $3012 and send me the rest
Am really becoming sick right nowAnd i feel you my hope is letting me down
I am holding on to the lord
‘This is my last chance of a new life
And i have no intention of hurting anyone.I am willing to donate alot to charity,orphanage and anyone who needs help
Its alot of money we can donate or buy instruments for the church

I have a good heart
And i have always been taken advantage of because i am so simple
I am in tears now and confused


Poor, simple Teri…. best console her…..

Oh baby! Do not cry! Yours tears will be like acid ‘pon my brow.

I am helping. Just tell me how. I need to know the orphanage will be able to blow a bassoon soon, else my heart will split.

I am doing everything I can, and its 3am here. I am drinking RedBull to stay awake though I was told by my doctors not to as thats what ‘happened last time’.

I am needing you to say I can just send you $1,500 when my bank opens at 9am local time and the rest when you are on the plane????

Reply soon, I have weak innards and cannot take the stress



Babe will you be able to send the $1500 by 9 your time?
That will be great.What about the last $1500?How do you expect me to board a plane without the complete BTA…
And i cross my heart and swear to you with my heart that i will fulfil my promise of donating to the church and orphanage.

Whats your plan


Oh my love, my all, my bride!

I have tried to tell Western Union this, they say there is too much bad in the world for me to give it like this! I am amazed! May God smite them with FIRE and WORMS and may they suffer! How DARE they say our love is not real!

I told Rui this and he hung up so I dont know what we do???? I donated $500 to the charity but I am still blocked! What is happening??????????????? I know I have no problem with the money but I need to give it to MY LOVE not some people who are HATED by god because of their sin.

I need another route, I can meet you in Birmingham and give you the money. I can wait at the gate, though you will see me with ease, I wear a smock.

Tell me darling, im breaking down!


Cant you make the $1 donation to him and tell him?
Why would this stop our progress.Is wednesday too far to wait when we can donate an unbelieveable amount to any orphanage or charity he wants?
I am so nervous and confused hereAnd i dont know what to think


I assume I nodded off here, cos she sends me another email before I reply:

Matt there is western union everywhere
Around corner stores everywhere in the world
Why must it be Rui?Do you understand how complicated this is for me?
My flight is midnight and i still have no idea about my preparation?
I have to hold in hand cash that i will have to show at the entry point.I believe your email simply states you dont trust me right?
I am so confused and devastated right now.

I dont know what to think and my body is shaking.



Blimey, shes shaking. This calls for radical action.


I have phoned my church, they were not happy cos they sleeping.

I told them ‘GOD NEVER SLEEPS’ and they were very rude to me, I cannot believe it.

And I think, I DONT NEED GOD, because GOD only lets me and you down Terry, he doesn’t want US to be together. If GOD, or from now, god, is so cruel to stop my love, then he is an EVIL god. He is gone. Now it is me and you.

I did something bad and I stole the $3,000 dollars from the church. I know you must think I am a criminal,, but I saw no option. All I want is you. I saw your picture and 3 years of LOVE suddenly ROSE UP and hit me in the face. It is you and me Terry. Thats all I know now.

We will start a new religion just me and you. What do you want to call it? I think TERRYISM is great.Or something with goats as I like goats.

And my fire engine, that we dont forget.

I am your teddy bear forever



I then decide to take this even further into the realms of the weird. Its gone 4am and I am somewhere between fatigued and drunk. I slip an old PAYT SIM into an old phone, and send the following:

I need you to call me

my number is +447*********

ring me

I can then know what to do



This seems to panic her a bit

You want me to call you now?
Do you understand the risk we stand if our call is traced?
Do you understand the complications?Why cant you just go outside your city am sure there are alot of western union out there
I am really loosing my patientAnd this is your first word and promise to me that you will get the money sent to me
Whats happening now
I feel you are letting me down some how.

Do we have to let people like Rui detect our future for us
Its me and you against the world babe.

Here is a new picture of rose for you.
I hope it cheers you up babe

Time is running out.
Please tell me your plans

And here she is…..


Yes, call me! I need to hear your love before i go crazy???? I have an unlocked phone which is not traceable, there is no worry! Buy a cheap Cell and all is good. DO YOU TRUST ME?????

Do not loose your patients, I am doing all I can! And now god has gone I will do much more things!!! Not just goats! Always be faithful to you though.

I have traced the family of Rui and will seek revenge on them. Nothing stops us now!!!! YOU AND ME AGAINST THE WORLD!!

I am too unstable to go out now, and it is 4am here, but I will be out first thing…ring me to wake! TIME IS IMPORTANT

Tomorrow I make you the happiest woman on the planet

The Happiest Man on the Planet


Shes straight back, and shes angry at my lack of attention…..

So what do you intend to do babe?
You didnt say anything about the picture!!
I guess you didnt like it?WHATS YOUR PLAN NOW?


Sneakily, I pretend I hadn’t neglected her prettiness

ps I love the rose. I will be wearing one for you when we meet!!!Or maybe a full bush!!!!


Now things get REALLY weird. My phone rings. It has a prefix of +60…Malaysia calling! I answer:

me: Hello?

Very crackly female voice: Hello! Hello!

Oh bloody hell. Teri…she seems to exist…

me: hello Teri!

*phone line goes dead*

Oh my. I’ve just spoke to Teri….

Then *ping* something drops into my inbox



Then, a text:

Its me Teri your babie

then another…

Am still trying 2kal u babe. its nt going through the network is terrible.

and another! Shes obviously not on Pay As You Talk….

i HATE  this country. Its nt going tru


babe i hv been dialing countinously. it keeps getting worse. cn we jst text

I’m too tired and a little freaked, so email back

I try and call you but with no luck! I hear your voice though when you call!

I must sleep now, send me a voice mail if you can….just say my name!

I will wake up tomorrow at 7 and sort this all out.

I love you

Do you love me?



I turn off my phone and laptop, and fall deeply asleep…………………


I wake late in the morning. A message!

Love is like a seed planted.
It grows gentlyYou really are a nice guy.and i hope we can get to know each other well.
I will try and relax a bit
I am really nervous about all this and confused.

If you will listen to my advice.
I will advice you to try outside your city and you will find a western union store.

You will have to tell them a diffrent story entirely
or a prove you definately know whom you are sending money to.

I will keep my fingers crossed and hope you dont let me down.




That is beautiful words

My seed needs to be planted where it can grow within you.

Anyhow Terry! I have news! The money is wired! Check your account? Are you on a plane yet?

I have laid my halls with rose petals and swan feathers.

Fly to me angel, fly to me!



This must be a jokeWhat account
Western union dont give account
They only give you a receipt with a western that has a 10 digit control number which will be used to pick the money

I am so devastaed right now


A joke??????? What can she mean???? I better give her the info she needs:

I have the number, its ten digits: 822453718, and you need to know the security question, which is



Get back to me when you get the cash, I am so ready for you?




Its 10 digits but here i see just Nine
Whats going on?


Oops, my bad


my fault, left out the seven (7)


This soothes her, and:

How much did you send babie
Please give me the know every information possible.
I cant wait to be with you


Or so I think….shes soon back, and angry

This is really a waste of my time
I just confirmed from western union that there is no money available from the number you just sent me.
I dont believe you are fooling me after all my trust in you.I am so hurt



And then….

I cant believe all this

Oh no!

I get back to her, pronto….

Why are you angry??? I have done what you asked, I have tried to make you happy, what more can a man do?? Check your account again. I could ring Rui in Delhi back but I think he would be angry as I said bad things to him in the night
Im terryfied


And thats where we’re at, at half seven pm, Tuesday night. Teri is hopefully on her plane now, and bringing her dollar-stuffed sofa. This will all conclude tomorrow, in the final part….if I haven’t scared her off by now.

If anyone has any ideas on how I can tie this up, send in ideas….I have one in mind, depending on her next move.

Thanks for reading. I best go and change my sheets.

Escape to Beestonia…Part One:Malaysian Princesses and bags of dough.

Right, sit yourselves down with a long drink, heres a totally true, ongoing  story of what happens when I get bored over the Christmas period.

It all starts off with an ad I put on Gumtree for my spare room. A day later I get a response…this is all totally unedited. Read on…

Hello,my name is teresa,i am 24yrs old,i am into photography,and would like to rent your place for a period of 6months or more,i just had a terrible breakup and will like to be away for a while.Is it available?
How much does it cost monthly with utilities?Thanks alot teri

She sounds nice, I think, so fire off a response:

Hi Teri,

It is still available, or will be from the beginning of Feb when the present occupant moves out.

The cost of utilities is still not certain to us, as noone has lived there for more than six months yet, though we share bills directly four ways and are very carefully to be as energy efficent as possible. However, we have paid the TV license for a year, and have a cheap, but effective broadband contract.

i’d really recommend you have a look round, as unlike yourself, my photographic skills are terrible and I don’t give the rooms justice with the pictures in the ad.



Hi MattI really appreciate your urgent reply,and i would really love to be your choosen candidate to occupy the vacancy availablembut before any further discussion,i really have a secret on my mind thats becoming a burden to me,and i really need to talk to someone.Can i confide in you?please let me know.Thank you Teri


Wow. This is intriguing. A damsel in distress, calling for me to don my armour and gallop up…but I’m a tad suspicious. Maybe its a friend playing an elaborate trick…I decide to be cautious with my reply….

I suspect I’m going to regret saying this, but go ahead…



Hello Matt,I really feel like telling you this might be a regret.i am really interested in renting your place,due to my present situation and the fact that i have to relocate.This is a very confidential discussion between you and i,I meet an American guy at a resort while doing some photo shot,and we’ve been friends for about 3months,he always travelled to Malaysia often,we had dinner once,he was a very nice guy who told me he was into Diamond business and i had no doubt to hesitate he was saying the truth because of his flambouyant life style.Just about two weeks ago He was arrested for drug trafficking and that is a death penalty here in asia,the day before he was arrested,he came to my house and entrusted a bag with me,he asked me he would get it back the next day before his flight back to Miami.and i never opened it,but i just did 3days ago after i was told he was convicted to death and i found it was filled with US dollars,attached is the picture of the bag that contains the money.I couldnt believe my eye’s when i first set my eye’s on the content inside.The American guy has been sentenced already,am so confused and nervous,i dont know what to do and i cant tell any1 am so scared,i cant even turn the money over to the authourities because i am scared of my own life.the system here is quite corrupt and i am so terrified and scared for my life right now.I cant sleep,i am having eating disorder all because of this.i just cant tell anbody here,and i really need to talk to someone.Can i confide in you?.Attached is the picture of the bag.

Thank you

Bloody hell. I open the attached jpeg.

Blimey. Thats a lot of cash. And I quite like the bag too. Lets get a reply off ASAP…

Hello again Teri, and my greatest sympathies to your terrible predicament! Oh my, you poor thing!
I dont know if I have previously mentioned but the household that soon hopefully you will become a part of is a deeply Christian one, so we will be having a prayer session to help you tonight. God will be by your side, fear not! As believers in angels, we need you to know yours is there, and feel the basking warmth that He provides. This will protect you.

We will of course ensure that the money is used to help those less fortunate ourselves, to cleanse it of the stain of illegal procurement. I am sure this is fine with you? Obviously, take what you need to compensate your stresses.

Are you a Christian too? This is very important for any future correspondance, and to ensure our faith gets you out of this mess? Before we go any further, tell me about your church going, and maybe include a little prayer. Devotion is most important.

Bless you



Hi MattThis has been a movie like type of story in my life and a reality have been living with in weeks,I will really like to stay with you for a period of 9months so i can get aquinted and adapt to my new enviroment.with you help i can get a new life,you can help me invest it into good business.I have secretly made some enquiries.There is this woman in singapore that moves huge sums for casino and diamonds.i will go to singapore to meet with her tommorow,right now i cant sleep or eat,i am just so terrified.I have been through alot lately,i was raped on my way back from work November last yr and my boyfriend whom i paid his college tuition and sacrifised my life for left me.and now i feel this huge money is a blessing in disguise.Due to fear i had to stock the whole money into my italian leather sofa which i use for my photo shot,it took me hrs to get it sealed in.I feel at times this is a dream.My Life is all in captivity of fear,but my only hope is the outcome of whatever this woman will say.and i am willing to share this with you.are you in?can i trust you?i swear if you set me up i will never forgive you



Wow, this is getting deep. I reply.

As mentioned before Teri, Im very keen to help, but first must know you truly are a devout Christian. Its simply not Godly to help out those who are other faiths, or ‘atheists’. (we prefer the term ‘earthly demon’. We will whole-heartedly and with unbounded love help you out if you can show us your devotion to the Lord, Jesus Christ.

Please reply with an example of a recent prayer you have offered up to God, and/or The Holy Ghost.

A few other questions. You say you would like to stay nine months. I couldn’t help noting that this is the same length of time it takes for a woman to grow a baby in themselves. Are you with child? Its not a problem if so, in fact, I’d quite like it, and can arrange immediate baptism, less it slips into Satan’s clutches.

I can of course be fully trusted and will do all in my means to get you safe. I am independantly wealthy so am not worried about the money, just want to help a sweet girl like yourself.

So send me a prayer, and what you need for me to help, and I will look forward to having you as my new housemate soon.

Amen, Teri



She then goes very quiet. Have I scared her off?  I send a desperate message to her.

Is everything ok? Im worried you wont have this resolved before Christmas, and noone should be sad or worried over christmas.



This elicits an immediate esponse:
Am grateful about your concern
I hope this lady in singapore will be able to help
Am so nervous and feel crazy trusting you
I will get back to you once i arrive okay?DONT LET ME DOWN


I’m just about to reply, and she sends me another desperate missive:

My Faith depends on the lady in singapore
I have already booked a 7.36am flight to singapore,its just 58mins by flight
I hope she can help.All i need is your trust and promise you wont let down.
If this lady is able to help me
Then when i arrive i just need you to help me invest some of this money,i would also love to doante some to charity and any other source that needs urgent help.
I JUST NEED TO KNOW YOU WONT LET ME DOWNI will also need you to email me your phone number so i could call you when i return from singapore tommorow.
And please could you tell me abit about yourself?
Am so nervous



She wants to know about me…..ok


Do not be nervous! No! God is with you! He talks to me daily and has told me you are going to be fine, and he rarely tells me anything!

You want to know about me? Ok.

I am called Matt (as you know) and I am a man (though some may disagree, HAHAHAHA!) and have bown hair, and eyes. I started up my Christian mission four years ago after coming into several hundred thousand pound that I recieved through helping out with some administrative problems a Nigerian Prince was having, and its been successful. No one has left in that time! We are three very happy people.

We advertised the room after we had a few issues with a previous tenant, and her objections to some of our practices. This reminds me, I must ask before you take up tenancy here, do you like goats? I hope so!

I am 36 and my favourite food is rice, though Im also very found of wheat. Tell me more about you!


This obviously impresses her: the next thing I receive is the flight details

Traveler: Teresa LouDepart: Tue Dec-29-2009Singapore (SIN)
Depart 11:05 pm
Terminal 1 to Frankfurt am Main (FRA)
Arrive 5:15 am +1 day
Terminal 2 13hr 10mn British Airways 7305
Operated by: QANTAS AIRWAYSEconomy/Coach Class, Boeing 747-400

Depart: Wed Dec-30-2009

Frankfurt am Main (FRA)
Depart 5:40 pm
Terminal 2 to Birmingham (BHX)
Arrive 6:40 pm
Terminal 2 2hr 0mn British Airways 6119
Operated by: FLYBE LIMITED

Economy/Coach Class, Lunch, DE HAVILLAND DHC-8 DASH 8-400 DASH 8Q

Total distance: 6,864 mi (11,047 km) Total duration: 15hr 10mn (27hr 35mn with connections



Hi Matt,I have been very busy all day and i am so stressed up and tiredI finally meet with this lady in singapore and She told me its no big issue as she does this because of business associates who wants to Dodge high taxes and bank commisions.This lady is an Air Hostress that works with British Airways,do you know such airline?she is a proffesional in this business.We had a brief discussion because she seems a very busy woman,and she came to a conclusion saying the sofa was a good ideawe came to a conclusion,but her asking price was way too high,she wants $40,000 as an upfront,then when it delivers,i will have to balance her up $10,000.THIS IS THE PLAN ACCORDING TO HER

She said there is a flight going to the Birmingham Great Britain Airport (BHX) on Tuesday 29/12/09,and she will be working aboard the flight also,which means i have to board the same flight as well,she also said we both will arrive via a British Airways Shuttle Bus which will be arranged by her to The Rockaway Hotel, Station Road Beeston Nottinghamshire NG9 2AB,and you can come pick me from there.Is your place far from the hotel?,i will advice you bring a car that the sofa can fit into,its not too large.She accompanied me to Malaysia by road in her jeep to pick the sofa up,driving is just 1hr.57mins from singapore to malaysia,i also gave her few asian antiques to avoid any suspicion from neigbours,everything happened like it was just a friend picking up a sofa from my house.after seeing the sofa,she said its properly sealed.

I followed her back to singapore with the sofa because she insisted,when we got to singapore,we went to an IKEA store to get like a packaging wrapper thats very thick,and she did more sealing and put an IKEA tag on it.She said it will be part of her cabin crew Luggage.Do i really trust her?i will say %80 i do,because she owns her personal house in singapore which we arrived at,she seems so rich herself and her husband is an Architect himself,although i didnt meet with him,but i saw her two daugthers,I had to tell her a more proffessional story and She is aware the money belongs to a diamond seller and i am just a client here in asia,so when you come pick me up,look smart and speak less okay?
Matt,All ll i have in my savings is just $27,930 that i have been saving for a while now to buy myself a house,and i really need to fly back and pay her the upfront.I have to and see if i can get some loan so i can return to singapore to give her her upfront,she said she wants it in a bank draft

The $50,000 will include
My ticketing which she will arrange herself
Hotel cost
And Her commission

You are the only person am trusting with this,and i swear Matt if you frame me up or let me down,i will never forgive you,because i am trusting you with all my heart,i am willing to give you $100,000 of this money,donate some to the orphanage and get a good life.its alot that can turn our lifes for good,as soon as i arrive,i will need your help in putting this money into good use,and other ideas to invest it.

i would have loved to open up the sofa and take all this money instead of running around,but that wont be a good idea,its already sealed.and it will look unproffessional doing that in her presence,and moreover its been sealed again a second time.although i just arrived malaysia an hour ago so i can make begin to make arrangements of her upfront,I am so happy now,and i feel reliefed but all am thinking about is boarding that plane on Tuesday and leave my misery behind to Start a new life.How is your day going?

The Only problem i had was she really wanted to know its not a stolen money,and i persuaded her saying its from Diamond sells,and i am just a representative her,although she said everydetails should be kept confidential between both parties,and i should make sure our agreement are meet accordingly.please make sure you dress like a cooperate guy when you come pick me up.

Please don not tell anyone about this

Hope to read back from you.

Put me in your prayers.

I cant wait to get on the plane on Tuesday because thats going to be a new path on a track of a new life.


Oh Terry!

Of course I won’t let you down. My faith is strict on this; if we in anyway let down a fellow human so in need, then we will spend eternity in eternal damnation deep within the bowels of hell, which is the worst place to be in the whole of hell. I need not guess what goes on in your bowels, but I imagine its a place you’d definately not linger. Mine are a particularly hellish place, so who knows what lie in Satans???

Please though Terry, show me your commitment as I show you mine and offer us a devotional prayer. If this is a problem due to your worry, please send me a photo. As a photographer I understand this maybe easier than typing. A simple photo of you prayer would set my mind at ease.

Also, I have a problem, as this is getting deeper. I know soon that I will have to help you financially, this is no problem, I have been independently wealthy for many years. Also, no money can buy the satisfaction of helping a fellow human. However, I have heard many bad things about people on the internet. It breaks my heart to even consider you should be one of these, but I need to be 100% certain before I send you money to aid your escape to my house. To prove you are real, could you please answer one of these three questions:

What continent is France in?

What is the third letter of the alphabet?

What time is love?

Please respond, Im aware time is against us, and soon Christmas will be upon us. I have many rituals to carry out that mean I am away from the internet, hurry, my angel, hurry!

I love you



She replies….


France is in Europe

This is my only chance for a new life
Am not a flambouyant girl
ALL I WANT IS A NEW LIFEI am so scared about all this really and am praying you wont let me down
Here is a picture of me
Do send me a facial picture of you tooGet back to me as soon as you canFAITH IS ALL I HOLD ON TO


She encloses a photo….


I check Wikipedia, and yup, shes right. However, its then christmas day, and the delights of Teri are put on ice as I proceed to see how much red wine can be physically drank by one man in one day ….she thus sends me a very brief email:


I love a girl who overpunctuates…so reply:

Sorry for the delay dear Terry, we dont go online over christmas, as a way of honouring the birth of the baby Jesus.

How are you? I am so happy to e able to help and cannot wait until you are here. How do I get the cash to you??? Are you sure £50,000 is enough??? Just ask.

I have as requested sent a photo of me, I hope you find me as attractive as I find you! Who knows, you could by chief disciple here,and maybe gain entry into my inner sanctum.

Reply fast, we must work quickly on this.

May the Lord* be with you



I enclose a photograph, and best point out that this ISN’T me, in case any potential Lady Beestonias are out there.


She replies…..

Am not asking you for $50,000
I already paid her the upfront and all i need your help with the BTA.
(Basic Travelling Allowance)


Well, of course I can…

Blessed you are well Terry. How much is the BTA?

Did you like my photo? Am I likely to win your affections come wednesday?

Jesus Loves You


The Lady adviced me to have in hand atlist $5,000 in cash,so i can show the immigration at the point of entry that i am capable of funding my stay
She said its called BTA (Basic travelling allowance)and its a normal british rule that everyone with a tourist visa has to prove they are capable of funding there stay
We have to deal with this lady proffessionally .Right now i will be needing a contribution to balance up my BTA.
A contribution of $3000 will be a huge blessing and help from you

I really cant go about asking anybody for mo

If after all i have been through you let me down
I will be very devastated.
This is my only chance of getting a new life

There is alot to share and invest from this money
I am trusting you whole heartedly.

Please get back to me as soon as possible.

I liked your photo.

Well how goods that? I have a small problem though. I went a bit crazy spending over Christmas and dunno if I can rustle up 3k…even in dollars. I hit on a better idea:

Terry! I can help, of course i can.

However, I have a better idea! Instead of the BTA, why not tell Immigration we are going to get married! This means you can come in with no cash at all! We would have to get married anyhow so the authorities aren’t suspicious. I have long wanted to marry! Of course, once it quietens down we can get divorced, but if we can share a bed for a few months I think we’ll convince them. As a commited Christian I have saved myself for the wedding night, so don’t expect lots of skill! I will watch some videos first to get hints.

I think is a great idea, and your new life in Beeston begins on Wednesday here!


The Future Mr Terry Lou?


Hi Matt,I dont want any drama with the immigration Matt,i think i should just enter as a normal tourist to avoid problems.
Anybody who is not fully british will be considered a tourist,and its mandatory for every tourist to show they are capable of funding his/her own stay in the UK.This is a normal procedure

I understand you care about me and willing to help me at all cost
I really do appreciate it,and why do you think i would like to divorce?
I am just a simple girl and i feel you are a kind guy i would love to spend my life with

But this time around have got alot of burden in my heart.
When you can take me out for dinner and we can get to know each other better,NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE MATT

I really dont want to go about asking people for money,because i want to be out of here like a ghost

I am been very careful because i dont want anyone to know am going anywhere.
Right now you are the only person i have to rely on.

I would have asked you to send it via my account,but i bank with a local bank here and it would take another 7days for the money to be released,its a normal procedure here in malaysia.
The other way is via western union,i have used it just once and its safe and good.

I will need you to help me send $3000 via western will have to do this first thing monday morning so i can recieve it here,because i will have to be in singapore,the lady said i could stay in her guest house before we fly,she seems very nice and we can trust her,but we will have to be deal with her as proffessionals
The maximum i can recieve in a day is $1500

Its a strict rule here in this country.


Look for a western union store
You will have to fill my information on a form
You will be asked to pay commission before they send the money
Do not send more than $1500 on monday.
Send only $1500 first
After you send it,you will be given a receipt .
Make sure you email me the MTCN 10 digit number from the receipt so i can pick up the money here

Dont forget i can only recieve $1500 in 1 day because this is the rule in this country

I believe the information you will be needing is below


we both have alot to benefit from this once i arrive.
When you get to a western union store,you will have to fill the information on the form,and you will be asked to pay little commision to get it sent.

Matt,i hope this is still between both of us?
And when i arrive hope you home will be safe?
Do you have investment ideas now?

Please do not let me down


This way it will be more safe for me.

I am really nervous about this,but i have faith everything will be okay only if you dont let me down



Oh this is great! I have told my friends to look forward to a wedding soon! They are so happy for me! You are so right NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE. I will find you a lovely ring!

I have a great many investment ideas, it has always been my dream to have my very own fire engine. Can we have one? I can drive it round and we can pretend to go on emergencies. It will be so fun!

I have your instructions all written down, and will find a Western Union tomorrow morning. It is a small price to pay for having you, my bride, my soulmate here in my life. We will be happy forever, maybe three children and a dog. So excited!

However Terry, just one thing…can you send me a photo of you with my name which is as you know MATT written on your hand, or your face???? This is very important! To release the funds tomorrow from the Church accounts we have some very strange procedures, all will be clear! If you want to put ‘I LOVE’ first you can, I wont mind!

Our lives start this week! I will change my duvet (been a while)!!

Loving you with all my parts


She sends a very nervous reply….

I cant believe your asking me for such.
What is this suppose to mean?And why tell everyone about me?
This is suppose to be secret and now you are really hurting me with your words.
I really dont understand why you sound despirate about Bride and stuff!!Calm down okay?
We have to get to know ourselves first.
Dont get me nervous here okay

I dont have a camera for any picture.
I have packed my belongings for my trip already.
I will send you a picture of me holding a bear
Maybe the bear represents you.

Please try and get back to me as soon as possible.

I am really nervous about all this
But the fact you seem to be a good christian makes me a bit more comfortable

Do not let me down.

Tell me if you like my pictures



Oh Terry!

I am so sorry to have got so excited. Its just…just all so much, you know? Im one moment alone in my life contemplating dying alone and now I have you and my new life, kids, a dog, a fire engine. It all got on top of me. I shall be more in control.

Dont worry aout me telling people about us, noone really believes things I say, especially since the court case. The medication makes me a bit unsteady anyway, so they just think im having a funny turn. Which I am, but its LOVE which is causing it!

I love the photo of you holding the bear. I so want to be that bear. So much. Do you prefer hairy men? I normally shave myself head to foot, as body hair is evil, but if you wish me furry, I will throw away the razors. ANYTHING FOR YOU.

I must go and find a Western Union. I think there is one in Beeston, near the chipshop. Have you researched much about your new home in Beeston? Its a lovely town, and I think we will be happy here. It has the third best Wilkos in the East Midlands! Take that, Leicester!

ok,must rush out

wish me luck Terry, Im not good at filling forms in….


And thats where we leave it for now. Will Teri and her cash-stuffed sofa make it safely to the Rockaway Hotel? Will she live happily ever after in Beestonia forever? Will she be allergic to goats????

More as I get it…..

Educationally Diminished Lunkheads.

I cycle down the splendidly pretty road that is Castle Boulevard  each morning, or afternoon depending on my level of oversleep, and often see the remnants of the previous days events: be it beercans and glasses after Castle-side parties or a million crushed Lucozade bottles in the gutter right after the Robin Hood Marathon, but this monday there was a new mess. Grooves ran deep across the road and onto the pavement, spotted with the cochineal brown of blood. Puzzled, I drew my aluminum stallion up to a weary looking street cleaner. ‘Knuckles’ he said ‘dragged knuckles’ . Ahhh. The EDL have been in town.

Who are the EDL? They seem to have sprang up from nowhere and already held angry marches in city centres across England. Predominantly crop-headed pasty males, they claim they are not, violent, not hateful, or racist (a journalist friend got the rather telling quote on Saturday ‘We’re not prejudice, we’d let coloured lads march with us’), are not nazis (in a rather feeble publicity stunt, they held a press conference where they burnt a Swastika flag. Or at least tried to.  Watch it here. Its about a minute in:

They claim they are here to protect England from the threat of Sharia Law, as its well known that the Law Lords were pretty much on the edge of ditching the Magna Carta for Islamic statutes. Wigs are already being traded in for the  Keffiyeh, didntchahear?

Then again, is it so bad to stand up against a series of laws that promote extreme punishment towards offenders,  repress women, and push towards a Theocracy? Do we want this? Are the EDL, in fact, just defending our democratic rights? Are they, are they RIGHT?

Nope. Sorry, but no. Absolutely not. Quite the opposite of right. Want reasons? Ok.

I could point out the frequency of filmed and photographed Sieg Heils that emerged from the bobbing mass of stubbly heads on saturday, but you could counter that with every demo has its idiots. I myself stopped going on marches many years ago for just this reason, when some people seemed intent only to provoke  a fight, or worse still, juggle.

I could also point out the fact that they are a coalition of various groups that include Casuals United, self-styled football thugs who think Danny Dyer is a top bloke, would read Loaded if the text was simplified somewhat and the tits were not so distracting, and hate the town and football club  next to them with a venomous rage cos its full of blokes  who are just like them and a football club just like theirs*.

I could point out that their rallies always seem to end in some violence, and the Nottingham march drew the following remark from Notts police: “The difference in the way we policed related to the way the groups were behaving. We escorted the UAF (Unite Against Fascism, who were holding a counter-rally), whereas we had to control the EDL.” But hey, the police were  probably just a bunch of common-sense hating loony lefties, right?

Maybe we could pick up on the comments that were left on The Nottingham Evening Posts ‘Have Your Say’ boards after the event, which alternated between ‘We’re only trying to protect England’ and ‘Thro al ASEans and imigrents in the sea, lol’.  But hey, thats probably just the far wing of the party, and not at all reminiscent of the leaked BNP member list whereby a non-renewal of membership was explained: ‘Did not like to be told to remove bomber-jacket at meetings’, no no no.

Maybe its because watching footage of the march and flicking through pages of potential suspects for my burglary (see Beestonia passim ) was an incredibly similar experience, I’m sure the majority of law abiding and never seen me in my underpants.

So what is it Lord Beestonia, you King Solomon of Reason, why do you still think that the EDL are not perfect examples of Patriotic British- sorry- English Heroes?

Eyes of Fear, Eyes of Love. I mentioned this concept two articles below, and stole it off Bill Hicks, who can’t sue on account of being quite dead. England has always had enemies. The French were once the bogeyman, the infamous story of residents of Hartlepool hanging a monkey on suspicion of it being a French spy a perfect anecdote to the rampant paranoia.

Catholics. They were big once. So much so relief at the foiling of a Papist plot is still celebrated every November the Fifth by standing outside in the icy cold cheering as a effigy of anti-reformism burns.

Jews. Ah, Jews. Pretty good scapegoats, having no real homeland for centuries, killing Jesus (though technically, a Christian, Judas, killed Jesus. Though its all too silly for me to think about). They are also too well organized, and as such were good with money, and no-one likes anyone more savvy than they. Pogroms, expulsions, and Holocausts follow. And still people think they run the world. Evidentially a  masochist, your average Hebrew.

In the seventies and eighties, the Irish. Guildford Four, Birmingham Six should be nothing more than an unlikely football score, but no, its a shameful testament to the jumpiness that led to anyone who could drink more than three pints of stout at one sitting being incarcerated unjustly.

Now its the Muslim’s turn. Despite forming only 2.7% of the population ,of which the great majority are as related to extremism as the average Sunday Service Christian is related to murdering abortionists and hating ‘fags’, they are the new demons.  I was working at the BBC on September Eleventh, 2001, and a Muslim colleague on ascertaining the religion of the terrorists, sighed deeply and said ‘Well, welcome to your new hate’. Highly prophetic.

Since then,, I’ve visited several Muslim cities, from the secular modernity of  Istanbul to the more autocratic pious- Marrakech, Aswan; and talking to residents there, from the hardcoretechno loving Turk to the Kif-smoking Moroccan, have asked them if they feel Islam is invading the West. Each time, they have spluttered with laughter and pointed out that, with dodgy dossiers, ignorance of UN protocol and billions of dollars worth of armaments, the West’s invasions of the Islamic world is rather less subtle.

To some, fear is essential, for them to maintain control. Lock yourself in, disengage from society (you dont after all know were they have been), buy stuff, keep watching ITV, reading the Mail, cos its a cruel world out there, yet womblike in here, and isnt that after all what we all crave when we are finding the world a little too complex to understand.

Theres a great scene in the Terry Gilliam film ‘ The Adventures of Baron Von Munchausen’, where the besieged city throws open its gates, to the horror of the city elders, and finds the invading enemy simply isn’t there. Our minds need to do the same, and then we’ll see harmony kick in. Until then, the EDF, BNP and every other little fear-driven group will spread poison and intolerance which is as noxious as the opinions of those who they profess to oppose**.

Wow. That was a bit heavy. Normal glib and narcissistic service will be resumed soon. Its my birthday today, so allow me some seriousness, its just one day a year. Tarah, Beestonians, wherever you may be.

*I had a friend who lived in a remote valley in the Cairngorms for some years, who complained he hated having go to the same pubs weekend after weekend. Why not try the village a few miles down the road?, I suggested. ‘ Ah, its too dangerous, they hate us’ he replied. The two villages were the only two substantial conurbations in a twenty mile radius.

**Im a little worried now I may have cursed stuff. After writing similarly about crime, I was burgled, so if you wake up to find global Jihad kicking off, I’m  really sorry.

Beestonian Crime and Pun-ishment.

Thanks, irony. Ta for dishing up a big scoop of ha-ha. Cheers for making sure that the moment I publish an article on how crime is in free-fall, I fall victim to a most bizarre event.

I’m off work with a nasty little cold, and as such at 1.30pm I’m still in bed, alternating between dreams of Countdown’s Suzi Dent inviting me into her Dictionary Corner and the waking dehydrated hell, and theres this bloke in my room. I check to see if Im still dreaming, but Im clearly not.

Hes about five six, medium build, mid thirties with light brown cropped hair receding at the temples. He looks a bit like Bonehead, ex Oasis guitarist, in a grubby hoody.

‘ Errr, what are you doing?’ I ask, polite to the end.

He jumps, turns and stops rummaging through my desk drawer, explains ‘ Been told to get something’ . Hmmm.

Its not entirely unfeasible,  my landlord is due round and could have bought with him a workman, who had mistaken my room for another, but still, as I start to rise from the bed, not likely.

I still give him a shallow benefit of the doubt ‘Who sent you?’ I ask.

He hesitates, and thats enough for me, I’m leaping at him from my bed as the words ‘I think his name was John’ pathetically slip from his gob.

His reactions are fast though, and he gets past me, leaps the stairs in two, as I think it might be prudent to dial 999 as I chase him. I instead dial 9 on my speeddial, which connect me to a friend from Bedford called Dave, before realising hes probably not going to be able to send a squad car round, and I more diligently push in 999 as I peg it down the stairs.

I hear clattering from the kitchen as I run through the front-room, but as I skid on the laminate flooring and onto the stone kitchen tiles,  hes gone. My kitchens a cul-de-sac, and the door is locked. I’m puzzled, and in my highly stressed state, actually check the sink. Then I notice. The agile bugger got out the window. Its still rocking, square chunks of exposed wood against the white paint, where he had evidently jimmied his way in with a chisel or screwdriver. He’d even put wheeliebins against the wall to get himself in.

My housemate, living in the loft, hears the commotion and checks her window, and sees him running full steam down Muriel Road, towards the Derby Street car park.  Its then I realise I’d conducted the whole pursuit in nothing but my underwear, a fetching pair of shabby faded shorts that possibly dont entirely cover my modesty. I vow in my head there and then, while barking down the phone to the police, to invest in pyjamas.

The police are great and here in a shot, and I’m whisked to the station-dressed-I hasten to add. Its been a while since I’ve been in a police car- in the early nineties a common event due to my habit of illegally hitchhiking on motorways when sliproads were absent- and I forget the two major rules-you don’t sit in the front; you don’t try and get out yourself. So I travel through the centre of Beeston through heavy traffic at the Natwest traffic lights, and on seeing the gawping Beestonians trying to ascertain what heinous misdemeanor I had committed to warrant such a taxi. I’m a bit high on adrenalin and its fuelling my cheeky bones, so I smile benignly at the onlookers, and give a little regal wave. The female PC sees this in her rearview-mirror, catches my eye and laughs. I instantly feel a little too glib, and muster an air of seriousness. It lasts for about ten seconds.

Two hours of paperwork and statements in the inner-sanctum of Beeston policestation and I’m back home, and barely have time to fix a brew before knock knock, CSI are at the door. Yup, CSI. CSI Nottingham.

We’re evidently star-struck, and coo as he opens up his sturdy briefcase and maybe feel mildly aroused as we see its massively complex looking contents. He, for it is a he, alone, not a crack team of beautiful over-earnest haircuts, but just one pleasant looking bloke, he revels in it. ‘Best thing that ever happens to me, that programme’ he says, in a local accent ‘Gone from police nerd to police heartthrob, as he dons gloves and mask’. Its the least I can do to offer him a cup of tea ‘Best thing I’ve heard all day’ he says. I stick the kettle on, and he starts doing stuff with tape, dust and brushes that drive me and my housemate into a desirous frenzy.

A boot print is found, but no prints, so he packs up, tells us how difficult it is to clean the dust up and leaves.  The house fills with the sound of a collective tired sigh.

Next morning, Im hauled down  the police station again (not hauled at all, just sounds great, I actually got a polite phone call to pop down and did so via The Bean and a little look round the shops) to see 84 photos of men who fitted the description of the Chez Beestonia Housebreaker.

I’ve done many depressing things in my life.  I’ve been stranded in a Service Station in Belgiumfor seven hours. I worked at MGM Nighclub. I’ve seen the Kooks live. And in 1985, I went on holiday for a week to Hull. But these are nothing compared to the eightyfour photos I had to study and dismiss. The horror, the horror. Eighty-four middle aged white men bathed in unforgiving mug-shot light. It was like observing a procession of malformed, angry potatoes . ‘Beautiful, innit’ says the constable ‘My bread and butter’.

I give him the most sorrowful look I can. Theres some shit police out there, of course, but the majority are wonderful, just as the majority of every profession is. Except bankers and estate agents, who are all entirely evil.

I fail to identify, walk home, think how lucky I am to have such dramatic source material for my award-winning blog Beestonia sloshing round in my head…and then…it gets a lot less amusing.

While two of my lovely female housemates reported nothing had been nicked, the third, a nurse, had been out. I’d poked my head into her room, and it seemed nothing less than the usual primly tidy boudoir it ever was. Not so. When she returned, she noticed stuff had moved, subtly but definitely.  Further investigation sees that the intruder didn’t come first into my room, but instead first rummaged, and helped himself through her stuff.

Damage?: lots of jewelry, an expensive camera, some GHD straighteners , and her just lately bereaved Grandmothers engagement ring.  The tone of our house, previously a buoyant sort of entity, is now masked in gloom. Only one of us got off badly here. And fuck, shes the so least deserving.

Sam, for that is her name, was a stranger to  me in August. She takes the only ground floor bedroom, and as the other two housemates move in is nothing less than the funniest, crudest, most lovable person I could help to meet. She is now a friend I know I  will have in the front row of my funeral, and I’d compare her to a diamond if only they were a little more class.

Sam spends her working life, and yeah, theres a big lump of the aforementioned irony here melting atop this, she works her life helping junkies. It’d be piss-pantingly funny if it wasn’t true. But it is, so hold those bladders.

So the woman who I watch, day in day out, come home still smiling after helping the junkies of Nottingham recover from themselves, the same woman gets her goodwill-she also does unpaid outreach work, cynics-gets robbed by the same vileness she tries to help.

My older brother, who works with such people, once told me: never trust a junkie. I concur.

Tomorrow, I will trawl every pawn shop and pub in Beeston, Rylands and Chilwell, warning them of fencers trying to offload the aforementioned goods.  If a reader of this, and I know Im clutching at straws here, does see owt on the basis of this and phones Beeston Police, I have a crisp £50 for you.

I’m going to nip any Daily Mail-esque rant in the bud, and leave with this. Crime is over-rated, per my last post. I want to set the burglar on fire right now, and put him out with  a cricket bat, but I’m not the most rational person to ask right now, so I demur.

Be vigilant, sweet Beeston. And if a middle aged short balding bloke tries to convince you he is no longer interested in his GHD’s, punch him, call me.

Night Beestonia. Don’ t have nightmares.