Right, sit yourselves down with a long drink, heres a totally true, ongoing story of what happens when I get bored over the Christmas period.
It all starts off with an ad I put on Gumtree for my spare room. A day later I get a response…this is all totally unedited. Read on…
Hello,my name is teresa,i am 24yrs old,i am into photography,and would like to rent your place for a period of 6months or more,i just had a terrible breakup and will like to be away for a while.Is it available?
How much does it cost monthly with utilities?Thanks alot teri
She sounds nice, I think, so fire off a response:
It is still available, or will be from the beginning of Feb when the present occupant moves out.
The cost of utilities is still not certain to us, as noone has lived there for more than six months yet, though we share bills directly four ways and are very carefully to be as energy efficent as possible. However, we have paid the TV license for a year, and have a cheap, but effective broadband contract.
i’d really recommend you have a look round, as unlike yourself, my photographic skills are terrible and I don’t give the rooms justice with the pictures in the ad.
Hi MattI really appreciate your urgent reply,and i would really love to be your choosen candidate to occupy the vacancy availablembut before any further discussion,i really have a secret on my mind thats becoming a burden to me,and i really need to talk to someone.Can i confide in you?please let me know.Thank you Teri
Wow. This is intriguing. A damsel in distress, calling for me to don my armour and gallop up…but I’m a tad suspicious. Maybe its a friend playing an elaborate trick…I decide to be cautious with my reply….
I suspect I’m going to regret saying this, but go ahead…
Hello Matt,I really feel like telling you this might be a regret.i am really interested in renting your place,due to my present situation and the fact that i have to relocate.This is a very confidential discussion between you and i,I meet an American guy at a resort while doing some photo shot,and we’ve been friends for about 3months,he always travelled to Malaysia often,we had dinner once,he was a very nice guy who told me he was into Diamond business and i had no doubt to hesitate he was saying the truth because of his flambouyant life style.Just about two weeks ago He was arrested for drug trafficking and that is a death penalty here in asia,the day before he was arrested,he came to my house and entrusted a bag with me,he asked me he would get it back the next day before his flight back to Miami.and i never opened it,but i just did 3days ago after i was told he was convicted to death and i found it was filled with US dollars,attached is the picture of the bag that contains the money.I couldnt believe my eye’s when i first set my eye’s on the content inside.The American guy has been sentenced already,am so confused and nervous,i dont know what to do and i cant tell any1 am so scared,i cant even turn the money over to the authourities because i am scared of my own life.the system here is quite corrupt and i am so terrified and scared for my life right now.I cant sleep,i am having eating disorder all because of this.i just cant tell anbody here,and i really need to talk to someone.Can i confide in you?.Attached is the picture of the bag.
Bloody hell. I open the attached jpeg.
Hello again Teri, and my greatest sympathies to your terrible predicament! Oh my, you poor thing!
I dont know if I have previously mentioned but the household that soon hopefully you will become a part of is a deeply Christian one, so we will be having a prayer session to help you tonight. God will be by your side, fear not! As believers in angels, we need you to know yours is there, and feel the basking warmth that He provides. This will protect you.
We will of course ensure that the money is used to help those less fortunate ourselves, to cleanse it of the stain of illegal procurement. I am sure this is fine with you? Obviously, take what you need to compensate your stresses.
Are you a Christian too? This is very important for any future correspondance, and to ensure our faith gets you out of this mess? Before we go any further, tell me about your church going, and maybe include a little prayer. Devotion is most important.
Hi MattThis has been a movie like type of story in my life and a reality have been living with in weeks,I will really like to stay with you for a period of 9months so i can get aquinted and adapt to my new enviroment.with you help i can get a new life,you can help me invest it into good business.I have secretly made some enquiries.There is this woman in singapore that moves huge sums for casino and diamonds.i will go to singapore to meet with her tommorow,right now i cant sleep or eat,i am just so terrified.I have been through alot lately,i was raped on my way back from work November last yr and my boyfriend whom i paid his college tuition and sacrifised my life for left me.and now i feel this huge money is a blessing in disguise.Due to fear i had to stock the whole money into my italian leather sofa which i use for my photo shot,it took me hrs to get it sealed in.I feel at times this is a dream.My Life is all in captivity of fear,but my only hope is the outcome of whatever this woman will say.and i am willing to share this with you.are you in?can i trust you?i swear if you set me up i will never forgive you
I JUST NEED YOU TO TELL ME EVERYTHING WILL BE FINE?
Wow, this is getting deep. I reply.
As mentioned before Teri, Im very keen to help, but first must know you truly are a devout Christian. Its simply not Godly to help out those who are other faiths, or ‘atheists’. (we prefer the term ‘earthly demon’. We will whole-heartedly and with unbounded love help you out if you can show us your devotion to the Lord, Jesus Christ.
Please reply with an example of a recent prayer you have offered up to God, and/or The Holy Ghost.
A few other questions. You say you would like to stay nine months. I couldn’t help noting that this is the same length of time it takes for a woman to grow a baby in themselves. Are you with child? Its not a problem if so, in fact, I’d quite like it, and can arrange immediate baptism, less it slips into Satan’s clutches.
I can of course be fully trusted and will do all in my means to get you safe. I am independantly wealthy so am not worried about the money, just want to help a sweet girl like yourself.
So send me a prayer, and what you need for me to help, and I will look forward to having you as my new housemate soon.
She then goes very quiet. Have I scared her off? I send a desperate message to her.
Is everything ok? Im worried you wont have this resolved before Christmas, and noone should be sad or worried over christmas.
This elicits an immediate esponse:
Am grateful about your concern
I hope this lady in singapore will be able to help
Am so nervous and feel crazy trusting you
I will get back to you once i arrive okay?DONT LET ME DOWN
I’m just about to reply, and she sends me another desperate missive:
My Faith depends on the lady in singapore
I have already booked a 7.36am flight to singapore,its just 58mins by flight
I hope she can help.All i need is your trust and promise you wont let down.
If this lady is able to help me
Then when i arrive i just need you to help me invest some of this money,i would also love to doante some to charity and any other source that needs urgent help.
I JUST NEED TO KNOW YOU WONT LET ME DOWNI will also need you to email me your phone number so i could call you when i return from singapore tommorow.
And please could you tell me abit about yourself?
Am so nervous
She wants to know about me…..ok
Do not be nervous! No! God is with you! He talks to me daily and has told me you are going to be fine, and he rarely tells me anything!
You want to know about me? Ok.
I am called Matt (as you know) and I am a man (though some may disagree, HAHAHAHA!) and have bown hair, and eyes. I started up my Christian mission four years ago after coming into several hundred thousand pound that I recieved through helping out with some administrative problems a Nigerian Prince was having, and its been successful. No one has left in that time! We are three very happy people.
We advertised the room after we had a few issues with a previous tenant, and her objections to some of our practices. This reminds me, I must ask before you take up tenancy here, do you like goats? I hope so!
I am 36 and my favourite food is rice, though Im also very found of wheat. Tell me more about you!
This obviously impresses her: the next thing I receive is the flight details
Traveler: Teresa LouDepart: Tue Dec-29-2009Singapore (SIN)
Depart 11:05 pm
Terminal 1 to Frankfurt am Main (FRA)
Arrive 5:15 am +1 day
Terminal 2 13hr 10mn British Airways 7305
Operated by: QANTAS AIRWAYSEconomy/Coach Class, Boeing 747-400
Depart: Wed Dec-30-2009
Frankfurt am Main (FRA)
Depart 5:40 pm
Terminal 2 to Birmingham (BHX)
Arrive 6:40 pm
Terminal 2 2hr 0mn British Airways 6119
Operated by: FLYBE LIMITED
Economy/Coach Class, Lunch, DE HAVILLAND DHC-8 DASH 8-400 DASH 8Q
Total distance: 6,864 mi (11,047 km) Total duration: 15hr 10mn (27hr 35mn with connections
Hi Matt,I have been very busy all day and i am so stressed up and tiredI finally meet with this lady in singapore and She told me its no big issue as she does this because of business associates who wants to Dodge high taxes and bank commisions.This lady is an Air Hostress that works with British Airways,do you know such airline?she is a proffesional in this business.We had a brief discussion because she seems a very busy woman,and she came to a conclusion saying the sofa was a good ideawe came to a conclusion,but her asking price was way too high,she wants $40,000 as an upfront,then when it delivers,i will have to balance her up $10,000.THIS IS THE PLAN ACCORDING TO HER
She said there is a flight going to the Birmingham Great Britain Airport (BHX) on Tuesday 29/12/09,and she will be working aboard the flight also,which means i have to board the same flight as well,she also said we both will arrive via a British Airways Shuttle Bus which will be arranged by her to The Rockaway Hotel, Station Road Beeston Nottinghamshire NG9 2AB,and you can come pick me from there.Is your place far from the hotel?,i will advice you bring a car that the sofa can fit into,its not too large.She accompanied me to Malaysia by road in her jeep to pick the sofa up,driving is just 1hr.57mins from singapore to malaysia,i also gave her few asian antiques to avoid any suspicion from neigbours,everything happened like it was just a friend picking up a sofa from my house.after seeing the sofa,she said its properly sealed.
I followed her back to singapore with the sofa because she insisted,when we got to singapore,we went to an IKEA store to get like a packaging wrapper thats very thick,and she did more sealing and put an IKEA tag on it.She said it will be part of her cabin crew Luggage.Do i really trust her?i will say %80 i do,because she owns her personal house in singapore which we arrived at,she seems so rich herself and her husband is an Architect himself,although i didnt meet with him,but i saw her two daugthers,I had to tell her a more proffessional story and She is aware the money belongs to a diamond seller and i am just a client here in asia,so when you come pick me up,look smart and speak less okay?
Matt,All ll i have in my savings is just $27,930 that i have been saving for a while now to buy myself a house,and i really need to fly back and pay her the upfront.I have to and see if i can get some loan so i can return to singapore to give her her upfront,she said she wants it in a bank draft
The $50,000 will include
My ticketing which she will arrange herself
And Her commission
You are the only person am trusting with this,and i swear Matt if you frame me up or let me down,i will never forgive you,because i am trusting you with all my heart,i am willing to give you $100,000 of this money,donate some to the orphanage and get a good life.its alot that can turn our lifes for good,as soon as i arrive,i will need your help in putting this money into good use,and other ideas to invest it.
i would have loved to open up the sofa and take all this money instead of running around,but that wont be a good idea,its already sealed.and it will look unproffessional doing that in her presence,and moreover its been sealed again a second time.although i just arrived malaysia an hour ago so i can make begin to make arrangements of her upfront,I am so happy now,and i feel reliefed but all am thinking about is boarding that plane on Tuesday and leave my misery behind to Start a new life.How is your day going?
The Only problem i had was she really wanted to know its not a stolen money,and i persuaded her saying its from Diamond sells,and i am just a representative her,although she said everydetails should be kept confidential between both parties,and i should make sure our agreement are meet accordingly.please make sure you dress like a cooperate guy when you come pick me up.
Please don not tell anyone about this
Hope to read back from you.
Put me in your prayers.
I cant wait to get on the plane on Tuesday because thats going to be a new path on a track of a new life.
TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK OF ALL THIS MATT
Of course I won’t let you down. My faith is strict on this; if we in anyway let down a fellow human so in need, then we will spend eternity in eternal damnation deep within the bowels of hell, which is the worst place to be in the whole of hell. I need not guess what goes on in your bowels, but I imagine its a place you’d definately not linger. Mine are a particularly hellish place, so who knows what lie in Satans???
Please though Terry, show me your commitment as I show you mine and offer us a devotional prayer. If this is a problem due to your worry, please send me a photo. As a photographer I understand this maybe easier than typing. A simple photo of you prayer would set my mind at ease.
Also, I have a problem, as this is getting deeper. I know soon that I will have to help you financially, this is no problem, I have been independently wealthy for many years. Also, no money can buy the satisfaction of helping a fellow human. However, I have heard many bad things about people on the internet. It breaks my heart to even consider you should be one of these, but I need to be 100% certain before I send you money to aid your escape to my house. To prove you are real, could you please answer one of these three questions:
What continent is France in?
What is the third letter of the alphabet?
What time is love?
Please respond, Im aware time is against us, and soon Christmas will be upon us. I have many rituals to carry out that mean I am away from the internet, hurry, my angel, hurry!
I love you
France is in Europe
This is my only chance for a new life
Am not a flambouyant girl
ALL I WANT IS A NEW LIFEI am so scared about all this really and am praying you wont let me down
Here is a picture of me
Do send me a facial picture of you tooGet back to me as soon as you canFAITH IS ALL I HOLD ON TO
She encloses a photo….
I check Wikipedia, and yup, shes right. However, its then christmas day, and the delights of Teri are put on ice as I proceed to see how much red wine can be physically drank by one man in one day ….she thus sends me a very brief email:
I love a girl who overpunctuates…so reply:
Sorry for the delay dear Terry, we dont go online over christmas, as a way of honouring the birth of the baby Jesus.
How are you? I am so happy to e able to help and cannot wait until you are here. How do I get the cash to you??? Are you sure £50,000 is enough??? Just ask.
I have as requested sent a photo of me, I hope you find me as attractive as I find you! Who knows, you could by chief disciple here,and maybe gain entry into my inner sanctum.
Reply fast, we must work quickly on this.
May the Lord* be with you
I enclose a photograph, and best point out that this ISN’T me, in case any potential Lady Beestonias are out there.
Am not asking you for $50,000
I already paid her the upfront and all i need your help with the BTA.
(Basic Travelling Allowance)
Well, of course I can…
Blessed you are well Terry. How much is the BTA?
Did you like my photo? Am I likely to win your affections come wednesday?
Jesus Loves You
The Lady adviced me to have in hand atlist $5,000 in cash,so i can show the immigration at the point of entry that i am capable of funding my stay
She said its called BTA (Basic travelling allowance)and its a normal british rule that everyone with a tourist visa has to prove they are capable of funding there stay
We have to deal with this lady proffessionally .Right now i will be needing a contribution to balance up my BTA.
A contribution of $3000 will be a huge blessing and help from you
I really cant go about asking anybody for mo
If after all i have been through you let me down
I will be very devastated.
This is my only chance of getting a new life
There is alot to share and invest from this money
I am trusting you whole heartedly.
Please get back to me as soon as possible.
I liked your photo.
Well how goods that? I have a small problem though. I went a bit crazy spending over Christmas and dunno if I can rustle up 3k…even in dollars. I hit on a better idea:
Terry! I can help, of course i can.
However, I have a better idea! Instead of the BTA, why not tell Immigration we are going to get married! This means you can come in with no cash at all! We would have to get married anyhow so the authorities aren’t suspicious. I have long wanted to marry! Of course, once it quietens down we can get divorced, but if we can share a bed for a few months I think we’ll convince them. As a commited Christian I have saved myself for the wedding night, so don’t expect lots of skill! I will watch some videos first to get hints.
I think is a great idea, and your new life in Beeston begins on Wednesday here!
The Future Mr Terry Lou?
Hi Matt,I dont want any drama with the immigration Matt,i think i should just enter as a normal tourist to avoid problems.
Anybody who is not fully british will be considered a tourist,and its mandatory for every tourist to show they are capable of funding his/her own stay in the UK.This is a normal procedure
I understand you care about me and willing to help me at all cost
I really do appreciate it,and why do you think i would like to divorce?
I am just a simple girl and i feel you are a kind guy i would love to spend my life with
But this time around have got alot of burden in my heart.
When you can take me out for dinner and we can get to know each other better,NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE MATT
I really dont want to go about asking people for money,because i want to be out of here like a ghost
I am been very careful because i dont want anyone to know am going anywhere.
Right now you are the only person i have to rely on.
I would have asked you to send it via my account,but i bank with a local bank here and it would take another 7days for the money to be released,its a normal procedure here in malaysia.
The other way is via western union,i have used it just once and its safe and good.
I will need you to help me send $3000 via western union.you will have to do this first thing monday morning so i can recieve it here,because i will have to be in singapore,the lady said i could stay in her guest house before we fly,she seems very nice and we can trust her,but we will have to be deal with her as proffessionals
The maximum i can recieve in a day is $1500
Its a strict rule here in this country.
WHAT TO DO FIRST THING MONDAY MORNING
Look for a western union store
You will have to fill my information on a form
You will be asked to pay commission before they send the money
Do not send more than $1500 on monday.
Send only $1500 first
After you send it,you will be given a receipt .
Make sure you email me the MTCN 10 digit number from the receipt so i can pick up the money here
Dont forget i can only recieve $1500 in 1 day because this is the rule in this country
I believe the information you will be needing is below
TERESA LUCY LOU
STREET :50 JALAN SETIWANGSA
CITY :KUALA LUMPUR
POSTAL CODE: 56000
COUTRY : MALAYSIA
we both have alot to benefit from this once i arrive.
When you get to a western union store,you will have to fill the information on the form,and you will be asked to pay little commision to get it sent.
Matt,i hope this is still between both of us?
And when i arrive hope you home will be safe?
Do you have investment ideas now?
Please do not let me down
DONT FORGET YOU WILL HAVE TO SEND IT VIA WESTERN UNION
YOU CAN HELP ME SEND THE REMAINING $1500 ON TUESDAY.
This way it will be more safe for me.
I am really nervous about this,but i have faith everything will be okay only if you dont let me down
Oh this is great! I have told my friends to look forward to a wedding soon! They are so happy for me! You are so right NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE. I will find you a lovely ring!
I have a great many investment ideas, it has always been my dream to have my very own fire engine. Can we have one? I can drive it round and we can pretend to go on emergencies. It will be so fun!
I have your instructions all written down, and will find a Western Union tomorrow morning. It is a small price to pay for having you, my bride, my soulmate here in my life. We will be happy forever, maybe three children and a dog. So excited!
However Terry, just one thing…can you send me a photo of you with my name which is as you know MATT written on your hand, or your face???? This is very important! To release the funds tomorrow from the Church accounts we have some very strange procedures, all will be clear! If you want to put ‘I LOVE’ first you can, I wont mind!
Our lives start this week! I will change my duvet (been a while)!!
Loving you with all my parts
She sends a very nervous reply….
I cant believe your asking me for such.
What is this suppose to mean?And why tell everyone about me?
This is suppose to be secret and now you are really hurting me with your words.
I really dont understand why you sound despirate about Bride and stuff!!Calm down okay?
We have to get to know ourselves first.
Dont get me nervous here okay
I dont have a camera for any picture.
I have packed my belongings for my trip already.
I will send you a picture of me holding a bear
Maybe the bear represents you.
Please try and get back to me as soon as possible.
DO YOU HAVE INVESTMENT IDEAS YET.
I am really nervous about all this
But the fact you seem to be a good christian makes me a bit more comfortable
Do not let me down.
Tell me if you like my pictures
I am so sorry to have got so excited. Its just…just all so much, you know? Im one moment alone in my life contemplating dying alone and now I have you and my new life, kids, a dog, a fire engine. It all got on top of me. I shall be more in control.
Dont worry aout me telling people about us, noone really believes things I say, especially since the court case. The medication makes me a bit unsteady anyway, so they just think im having a funny turn. Which I am, but its LOVE which is causing it!
I love the photo of you holding the bear. I so want to be that bear. So much. Do you prefer hairy men? I normally shave myself head to foot, as body hair is evil, but if you wish me furry, I will throw away the razors. ANYTHING FOR YOU.
I must go and find a Western Union. I think there is one in Beeston, near the chipshop. Have you researched much about your new home in Beeston? Its a lovely town, and I think we will be happy here. It has the third best Wilkos in the East Midlands! Take that, Leicester!
ok,must rush out
wish me luck Terry, Im not good at filling forms in….
And thats where we leave it for now. Will Teri and her cash-stuffed sofa make it safely to the Rockaway Hotel? Will she live happily ever after in Beestonia forever? Will she be allergic to goats????
More as I get it…..