Escape to Beestonia Part Three: MELTDOWN!!

I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking “why on Earth is Matt posting articles when he should be either in bed in the luxury Beestonian hotel that is the Rockaway, or snuggled up on a dollar-stuffed sofa with his new bride, the rose-sniffin’, teddy-huggin’ Theresa Lucy Lou?” . I’m as sad as you are that I’m here typing instead of loving it up, I feel your pain. I will explain.

I go to bed last night, read for a bit, check my email here and there, and just as the light goes off and my weary troubled head hits the pillow, the familiar ping of an email is heard. Its Teri. Oh good. I put on my dressing gown,  stretch, and go and put the kettle on…..

But this is no missive full of love and longing. Shes a tad annoyed….


Look i have cancelled my flight and i am so disappointed in you
I trusted you
I thought i was about to have a new life
But you FAILED MEYour friend RUI or whatever you call him is a moron
I was arrested at the western union store for bringing in wrong information.
I had to be bailed outI later called the lady in singapore and she was very disappointed with me.And called me unproffessional
I hope you are happy giving mr fake information
I asked you to go outside your city to send this money
And you still telling me stories about a guy named Rui!!!THERE IS NO MONEY AVAILABLE



Oops. She canceled her flight. She got arrested. She hates me. This is awful. I’m back like a shot. I can’t have her slipping away now:



I can’t believe you cancelled the flight, I had a big surprise for you at Birmingham Airport, four horses drawing a golden carriage to ride you back to Beeston as a PRINCESS DESERVES.

Please try another means to get here. Is there a train maybe, or a bus? I NEED you.

If you can’t come here, then I am coming to Malaysia as soon as possible! If you want I will stop off in Delhi and find that moron RUI, I think he may have done thison purpose to steal our money. HE WILL NOT GET AWAY!

I will fly out tomorrow. We will be together soon, and forever. I will never disappoint you again (this is why I must once again remind you I am not experienced in ‘ways of the flesh’, so expect that to be poor for the first few ‘entrances’)

Tell me dear, tell me I am still your knight in shining armour, and you are my Princess, locked in a tower, with a sofa. Tell me, as I am coming to rescue you

Take my hand, we’ll make this elsewhere

Matt (Prince?)

Ten minutes later, and she replies. My comforting words have not tempered her rage:


I believe you have taken me for a jolly ride
And everything seems funny to you.You gave me a fake Western union number
You got me arrested
The lady is very disappointed about my delay
Now i will have to change my flightYOU LIED TO ME

Oh dear. Is a ‘jolly ride’ a good or bad thing?

Best tell her my new plan:

I dont understand!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1
I haven’t taken you for any rides, though i still have the horses booked? I just did my best, I dont know whats messed up. Im just very upset and have been crying till there was nothing but salt.

When I land in Malaysia I will go to the Western Union offices and reign fire down! How dare they arrest you? No one gets to shackle you, NO-ONE!

I think I have a flight that will get me there by local time 1650 hours, on Friday. I have your address now so will make my way round, I will bring flowers and chocolates? Do you like Milk Tray over Celebrations? Either, I will bring. I will ring you beforehand, or could leave it as a surprise????

I am just waiting to get the ticket processed, I will just get one-way for now.


I’m on my way babe



I wait. And I wait. Nothing. Have I finally scared her off? I go to sleep, reluctantly, and not giggling childishly WHATSOEVER.

I awake early, and instantly check my email. Nada, nothing. I get up, and go for a walk round Beestonia, thinking of my lost chance to be rich, charitable, and with a girl of such a calibre as Teri. Then, my phone beeps. I check. Oh my. Its a text. And its Malaysian:

I have been sad nd in tears becoz i trusted u nd ws abt 2giveu my heart. isent u emails. read it nd get bk 2me via email. i look at ur picture, and hoping i cn fly nd be wit u this friday, reply me via email.


I abandon my planned comfort-shop in the hallowed halls of Argos, and gallop home with gusto. There are in my inbox, as my sweet love promised, emails. Plural.

The first is unequivocal….

Are you out of your senses?
Do you want to blow everything.


OK…is it over???

I forget the fact I have two messages, and fire off an urgent response:


I do not want to blow anything! Blowing is not a thing I intend to do, just loving, and that is why I now have a one way ticket to Kuala Lumpa International! I told you, nothing will keep us apart! Im coming for you darling, my sweet love, I’m coming for you

And We Can Build This Dream Together
Standing Strong Together
Nothings Going to Stop Me (us?) Now



I then remember her second message, and open it, and my heart explodes with rapturous joy…..

Listen very carefullyYou never sent me any money
Go back to who so ever you sent the money from
Or you moron friend and have your money backI am tired of lies and deceit from you men
I almost gave you my heart, but what do i get?DISAPPOINTMENT AND HURTIts taken you 3 days to send just $3000 and you claim you love me?huh
I warned you to go outside you city and look for another western union did you?
No you didnt.Instead you sent me fake numbers and got me arrested
Now i have to change my flight

And now you tell me shit about coming down here?
Dont even try it

I am so mad and angry with you
You have failed to prove yourself as a man
Love is all about care
But you dont care about me at all.

I am really hurt and mad at you



I dry my eyes, and type off a response:

Princess Terry

How can you come here Friday? I am coming to you! Wait there for me! Or where is your stop-over? We could meet there.

I thought today we would be together and wrapped in each others arms talking about charities and orphanages and you calling me your teddy bear and me laughing nervously and trying not to sweat so much. But no. I have lost $3,000, my membership in the Church, friends who tried to tell me I was mad so HAD TO GO, and my heart. Which is in your hands. I want it back, not just for me, but to share with you, half and half. If you come here, what am I to do? I have never been to Malaysia and will be scared. Are people there as cruel there as they are here?

Terry, please help




Mere moments later….



Go outside your city and send me the money
My new flight is friday
If you blow it this time then i will know you dont really care

I just got the new confirmation my new flight is on friday

Or you can send $1500 from a Moneygramm store

Babe! I will stay here then! I am off to the Western Union NOW. I will not let you down. I think Rui was a a con-man and stole my money? How could someone do that to us? I have never hurt ANYONE! Only heretics and animals.

I will try and find the money to give you, I might need to dig very deep….when is your flight on Friday? I GUARANTEE you will get it before then. TRUST ME as I TRUST YOU. LOVE ME as I LOVE YOU. Which is lots, by the way.

Our happy life begins soon

Tell me you love me. Tell me your favourite fruit also. I like the PEACH. You?



And after that….

MATTT! (Note how anger has caused poor spelling)

You are really driving me mad now
Do you understand if you come the police might suspect i am with money linked to the drug guy my former friend.
What else dont you understandDO NOT COME HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!And why cant you send me money anymore?
Cant you keep your promises?
I resheduled the flight to friday do you understand that?Send me the BTA as promised and stop telling the world and your friends about me
YOU ARE PUSHING ME AWAY!!!Are you going to help me or not?

I thought I was your babie



Before i can respond she writes again

Lets get serious now babeListenMy new flight is friday
Can you still send me atleast $1500?
You can always go outside your city to get it sent
And tommorow is the only day you can have it sent because Friday is a general holidayDo you still want me to trust you?If yes then prove to me you can help me now that am downI need you to prove your love for me now ok?
And when i arrive we can relocate to a new place

And with that money we will have a more happy life
We can help people too.




Its getting late in Malaysia now, and no timing is running out. I post what is now, and possibly the final ever email:



And I will do that!

I need some details from you to send the money through Moneygramm, I raise £1,500, do not ask me how!!!

If I hear nothing by tonight I will fly over Friday, I check your address on googlemaps so dont need a taxi! LOVE WILL BRING ME TO YOU.

Your heart, are souls,


A text arrives

Am scared now. Dnt come. Plz dnt come. Teri.


I text back



No reply. Then I get a message via this very blog from a stranger called simply ‘GD’  in London.

I can not believe what i’m reading. I thought I was the only person who new about this.

Ha ha.


A moment later, he sends another. My heart tears asunder, my jaw smashes down through the earths crust…

Traveler: Teresa Lou

Depart: Sat Jan-2-2010

Singapore (SIN)
Depart 11:59 pm
Terminal 1 to London (LHR)
Arrive 6:20 am +1 dayTerminal 3 14hr 21mn British Airways 7371

Business Class, 388

Depart: Sun Jan-3-2010

London (LHR)
Depart 11:25 am
Terminal 5 to Paris (CDG)
Arrive 1:45 pm
Terminal AEROGARE 2 TERMINAL A 1hr 20mn British Airways 308

Business Class, Meal, Airbus A320

Paris (CDG)
Depart 4:40 pm
Terminal AEROGARE 1 to Birmingham (BHX)
Arrive 5:05 pm
Terminal 2 1hr 25mn British Airways 6105
Operated by: FLYBE LIMITED

Oh god, no…PING! Its GD again:

I have checked on the British Airways website. The flight from Singapore does not exist but the flight to Paris is for real.
I was thinking of sending her the pictures she sent Matt and tell her I found them on the internet. However, we do need a happy ending like any good story should end.

My most recent message…..I assure you its all risk free,and this lady is trustful.
And i am willing to donate to your charity on your behalf,i also understand you wont for any reason jeopardize your life for something risky.
But i assure you that its very beneficial.Just dont let me downI just got back from singapore 2hrs 13mins ago.
I had to go back to the lady to give her the upfront as earlier a bank draftShe then adviced me to have in hand atlist $4000 in cash,so i can show the immigration at the point of entry that i am capable of funding my stay
She said its called BTA (Basic travelling allowance)and its a normal british rule that everyone with a tourist visa has to prove they are capable of funding there stay.

I had already withdrew every peeny in my account which i have been saving to buy myself a home some day,i also took loan from 2 local loan officers to balance up the total sum.
We have to deal with this lady proffessionally .

Right now i will be needing a little contribution to balance up my BTA.
$1500 will be a great contribution from you,i am so scared and nervous about all this

If after all i have been through you let me down
I will be very devastated.
This is my only chance of getting a new life

There is alot to share and invest from this money
I am trusting you whole heartedly.

Please get back to me as soon as possible


That was the  sound of my soul being crumpled into a ball and tossed into a small wire bin. Teri has been unfaithful. She never loved me. This has all been a sham.

This should have ended tonight, I would have loved a nice little Trilogy to wrap up with, but I am keeping it open a while longer…and not at all because I’m bitter Teri has shared her love and hedged her bets.

I have a few possible ways to end this:

  • My friend Adele’s suggestion, that  I should  “have a fatal accident on the way to the western union, and your good friend Dr Lector should discover her email address & Photograph tapped to your heart and write to inform her that you’ve changed your will to leave her everything…….with conditions….”
  • The always brilliant Jon’s suggestion that: “I think your airline pilot friend in whom you’ve confided (you have an airline pilot friend in whom you’ve confided, by the way) should tell you that Teri is not on the passenger list for the flight she has specified. You, of course, are worried.”
  • Perennial/ LongTerm Beestonian and soon-to-be my Agent, Charlie: “Last email to ‘Teri’ could be from Scotland Yard from your computer stating that you’ve been arrested for money laundering through Western union – they state the number that you gave Teri – but say the transaction was stopped. They then continue to mention that they have traced the cell phone calls/texts and are on theire way to the far east. They know where ’she’ is.Or maybe Rui could have taken the money……………………….”
  • Or maybe my landlords suggeestion when I chatted to him earlier: ‘Tell her I will pay it, but first I must ask her a rigorous set of questions about her ability to pay utilities, her record on cleanliness and tidiness, and one good reference. The sofa would be a definite bonus though…”

So thats how it lies now. No neat conclusion, more a set of ways to get this into an endgame…tell me what you think. I have an appointment with a bottle of ditchwater Sauvignon , so must dash


6 thoughts on “Escape to Beestonia Part Three: MELTDOWN!!

  1. gd says:

    i tell you something…. i am glued to this story.

    i’m thinking of cancelling my new years eve celebrations just top see what happens. I still await a reply from TERESA LOO. Not likely since I told her I don’t have the money.

    I just want to know what the italian sofa looks like!!!!!!!


  2. gd says:

    While waiting for an update I decide to go on to the Western Union money transfer website. Paying much attention to the scams section. I never realised how creative people can get.

    Tick tock…….. I should read a book or something while I wait.


  3. Andyv says:

    Matt, I fucking love you.

  4. Beth says:

    Goodness Matt – you have had an exciting few days. Excellent efforts to bring this fine sounding lady to join us in the fair land of Beestonia. Its all so romantic. Wedding bells perhaps on the horizon? I’m off to Sheilas Hat Box to get myself a hat……

  5. Ebby says:

    This was the highlight of my evening… really. 😀 hahah.

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