Escape to Beestonia: Part four: Epilogue.

Its been two weeks now since Teri first came into my life, but now its time to say goodbye. I’m not one for long term relationships, plus, its starting to affect me in some bizarre ways. I find my heart jumping when her emails appear in my inbox. I get butterflies at every text. And on New Years Eve, I’m walking across Beeston Square, and sitting alone in the icy cold is a girl, who turns to look at me…and for a terrifying moment I think its Teri, before reality floods back in and I realise it isn’t her. Its enough though to make me think that its time to call time.

Terry!!! Whats happening? I wanted to go to Malaysia but they wouldn’t let me on the plane in my Special Clothes, as I was a ‘hygiene risk’ this is crazy! You must come to me. I ache for you, all over, but mostly THERE.

What are we to do?

Trembling

Matt

________________________________________

THIS IS URGENT!!!! READ CAREFULLLY!!!!!!

Listen my love. Go outside your city and look for 2 Western Union stores. Split the money into 2 and send 700 pounds each to me from 2 different locations. I have two identities now, Teresa Lou and Teri Goold, I get the ID card from the court as I said I am your wife. Dopn’t let me down.

Teri

________________________________

Wow. I like that. We are in the eyes of  the Malaysian courts man and wife.

THATS THE BEST NEWS EVER TERRY!

I am married to you! My dream is true! Come quick to Beeston and we will have our honeymoon here. I will take you to the BEST restaurants and drink the FINEST OF WINES ( Lidl have a sale on, its the BEST timing).

I love your new name! How about you change your middle name to Orl? Its a family tradition here. Terry Orl Goold….its so beautiful I could, no, I will cry.

Ok my darling, I have your details. I’m off right now to the Western Union.

I quiver, Mrs Goold, I quiver.

Matt, your loving husband.

______________________________________

I go quiet here. I correspond with Gareth Davies, the man who Teri is also corresponding with, and am delighted to find hes doing much the same as me. Its time to pass the baton and let him play with her from now on. I need to wrap this up.

I receive many  fine ideas from people, all brilliant, all considered. While I’m debating my next move, Teri writes:

BASTARD.

You have not only disappoint me
But you disappointed yourselfI will be away from the city to a safe place where i can settle down and think before i fly to maybe another country
I knew all your feelings and words were all liesTHANK YOU

_________________________

Well thats not very nice.  I fire off the following. Many thanks to Adele (an Australian friend, not the pavement-chasing popstrel) for this idea.

Teresa? Is that you? The girl in the picture? Matt has had a bad accident involving a car and a dog…hes in hospital, unconscious. Doctors say he has a tanked spleen, a broken leg and some serious tearing of the epididymis. He is is a very bad shape.

He was found with a large amount of cash in his bag, a photo of a pretty girl with a rose, and some details about making a payment to a Western Union shop, which seems to be where he was heading, the dog attacked him just outside the shop, possibly through the smell of meat.

I found his hotmail account details to find out more, as its a mystery. We haven’t seen Matt for month, ever since he won the money. We think he went a little mad with that religion thing. I visited his house earlier to pick up some stuff he’ll need, it was in a very bad state, blood on the walls, bits of animal on the floor.  Flies, lots of flies and MARRY ME written in tiny letters all over the furniture.

We are truly baffled about this. Do you know where the money is going? Is it you, I dont understand. If he owes it to you I will ensure you will get it. I have his phone and will check this account here and there. Let me know.

We just hope he pulls through. Since he lost his leg hes not had a lot of luck. Send your prayers to him.

Sorry to break this to you.

God bless you

David Diddyman
(matt’s friend)
________________________________________________

Theres a quiet period. Teri is having trouble with this. Maybe shes heartbroken.

____________________

David

How much money?

Theresa Lou

______________

Or not.

____________

Hi Teri

Over £3,000. He’d drawn a love heart on near enough every note…still legal tender though.

I dont understand. Did Matt have the money for a flight?? Do you need me to send the cash on. Matt is still very ill, and has yet to wake up.

Dave


________________________________

I am scared now. Please do not talk to me any more. I am not here.

______________

Blimey. Have I been hallucinating her?

I do a little research of the address she gives, via google maps. It seems a quiet smart area, in central Kuala Lumpur. I  also do some research into the Malaysian Police, the RMP, and send them a detailed email containing certain phone numbers and addresses. I then write back to the hologram that is Teri.

__________________________

Hi Teri

I’m only here to help.

I have business interests in Kuala Lumpur, so I’m sending someone round to the address Matt had in his hand when he was struck by the car/dog, they will have the money he owed to you, in US dollars. For security purposes, he will be accompanied by two members of the RMP, please do not be alarmed to find two members of the police at your door, they are only ensuring you get this money.

I have gave them your phone number, just in case you don’t hear the door.

To an interesting future
Dave
_______________________________

Teri doesn’t like this

I dont know you
I dont want you to send anything
Bye

_________________-

Oh, how could she do this? How could she deny me. Oh well. An email comes from Malaysia. Its the RMP

Terima kasih di atas e-mel anda. Tindakan susulan akan diambil dengan segera. Terima kasih.

Eh?

Oh, thats a translation below

Thank you for your email. Further action will be taken as soon as possible. Thank you.

________________

And that is the story of Theresa Lou. I shall miss her.

Theres is a small post-script though. I write her an email, to be sent at a later date:

Hello Teri, or whoever you are.

First, I’d like to thank you. Your attempts to get money out of me has made my Christmas a very special one. Without you, I’d be forced into watching rubbish movies on tv while cramming my gut with Quality Street like a foie-gras goose. But no, you came into my life and lit it up. The hours I’ve spent with a bottle of grubby corner-shop red wine, some music on and our email exchanges have been precious ones, that I shall forever treasure. However. All this must come to and end. Its not you, its me.

I’ve been living a lie Teri. I realised from the third email that you were not really in need. I checked out your details and saw you’d done this a few times, often under different names. You’ve probably got away with it a few times, and if so, fair enough. But enough now. You have at least three on the go now. You know Gareth Davies, a teacher with a room to let? So do I. We got you.

You won’t receive this till after I get the go-ahead from the RMP. They should be round soon.

I’m sorry to say goodbye. Its been fun. Keep in touch!

Your ever loving

Matt Goold.

Ps. The room was quite drafty anyway, and has some dry rot. You deserve better. I’m sure you will, very soon.

___________________________

New year, new challenges. I just hope something as fun as Teri lands into my lap soon. Thank you all for the support, the emails, the ideas, and for reading this all in such droves I have had more hits over the past week than in the combined past seven months of this blog.

There might be more developments, if so, I’ll update here. If you want to be kept in touch, you can be kept informed of developments by joining my Beestonia! Facebook group, where I mail all members whenever I get my arse in  gear and knock out an article.

Thank you Beestonians. Be seeing you. x


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11 thoughts on “Escape to Beestonia: Part four: Epilogue.

  1. Ebby says:

    This made my christmas as well Matt, completely the most interesting thing to start my 2010. Thanks for the entertainment, I’ll be following regularily. 😀 Ebbs

  2. Gareth says:

    You finally get my name in the Blog. One day this wil make headlines and I will be famous. I will do my best to keep her going until further development.

    Well done Matt!

    Gareth

  3. PHil Ward says:

    Hahaha, “Marry me” well done that man!

  4. Richard says:

    All very interesting but you’re all forgetting about that sofa already sent on!
    Where is it? CLASSIC MATE CAIO FOR NOW

  5. Kat says:

    dammit Matt, I’ve already promised the sofa (sans money of course) to a lady and now she’s heartbroken. Why do you thwart my plans so?!

    haha, MARRY ME scribbled all over the furniture. Fantastic.

    • beestonia says:

      As your housemate can I just state that there are no animal parts, blood, flies or scrawlings in the house.

      Three hours of cleaning…..still a faint aroma of goat…

  6. Taxislag says:

    Much much fun that, Matt. Shame my pc died near to the end but have now caught up with the ending.

  7. Gareth says:

    Teri is supposed to arrive at my flat tomorrow. I can’t wait!

    I have managed to get the money down to $450.

    Gareth

  8. Gareth says:

    Damn it!

    My mail sent to Teri has been returned back from MAILER-DAEMON. Not even a happy ending.

  9. Cass (Beestonian) says:

    Matt this has made my year, never mind Christmas.
    It has been so much fun to follow, and at a stressful time for me, I’ve laughed so hard. Superb. This should win the 2010 Blog Award. Funniest thing I’ve read in ages.

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