Future Beestonia

Hello? Remember me? Yeah, Beestonia, remember? I’m that lad who did that stuff about the election, recall? Yeah, thats right, the ‘sexist’ bloke! Thought you’d forgot about me.

Where have I been? Well, thats a good question. I needed a little break after the election madness, after finding myself having palpitations whilst drinking a coffee in The Bean and opening the Guardian to find Soubry on page three. I decided then to get some fresh air, perspective and maybe cut back to just eight shots of Espresso a day.

I also gave up booze, much to the consternation of Aras Off-License and most pubs. And its bloody hard to write sober. Try it, its rubbish, you actually have to think about grammar and structure rather than tossing it all on the page,  pressing ‘publish’ and strolling away to see if balsamic vinegar really is alcoholic if you boil it (its not, just a cruel myth I fell for. I had lips like sun-dried tomatoes for weeks). I also got a job, a proper clock-in, clock-out job, that now selfishly gobbles up my time as I try and get my Spider Solitaire score up.

The election bought forth much weirdness. I found myself one evening chatting coalition politics to three very clued up pre-teens, one who could do an impression of Nick Palmer that would shame Bremner. Politicians of all parties would keep buzzing my Blackberry assuming I was a long lost Dimbleby brother. Even my mum read it, which is truly terrible, and means now I have to be careful about describing her as Anne Robinson’s picture in the attic, or I’m out the will.

So where now for Beestonia? A dedicated blog about Beestonpolitics? Nah, its done better here: http://www.broxtowepolitics.co.uk/ . How about a general scurrilous blog about Nottingham in general? Nope, the immensely talented Alan -a-dale has pretty much sown that up at http://alanadale.wordpress.com/ . Crackingly funny satire? Unlikely, considering, but even if I could channel the spirits of Cook, Hogarth and Foot I’d still be limping some way behind http://thequizzicalobserver.blogspot.com/ . Ah, I know, I’ll jump on this summer’s  bandwagon  and write about the football. Well, I would if I knew owt about it and the splendid http://www.eighteensixtyfive.co.uk/ didn’t exist. But I don’t, it does, so I won’t.

So what to do? Before the election, and before my readership jumped ten-fold, I wrote about anything that leaps into my consciousness that I could vaguely relate to Beeston. That’ll have to do. Prepare for more ill-informed opinion, rambling anecdotes and terrible puns, normal service is resumed.

I’m just praying for another election. I’ve seldom had so much fun.


Saying that, I’m launching a new feature here,whereby I will be monitoring the performance of our new MP, the ever-fragrant  Anna Soubry.  This is not some spite-ridden campaign aimed at snarkily undermining she does, no. She may find me sexy, she may have refused to participate in Beestonia during the election, and she may be the most annoying thing to happen to Beeston since the anti-halycon days of Jim Lester, but my intention is to hold her fully accountable as our representative. This is essential in these days of career politicians who swiftly swap constituency concerns for the lure of the front-bench. Having had a very dedicated MP for thorteen years whose hard work was recognized right across the political spectrum, we would be cheated if our new voice in power didn’t show such dedication and devotion to their constituents.

Early signs aren’t good, Soubry was reluctant to voice any real policy ideology aside from waving the Conservative Manifesto at Hustings like a Jesuit with a bible, and seemed lost on anything deeper than soundbite sloganeering. Pressed on her opinion of Tobin/ Robin Hood taxes at the Bramcote Hustings, she pleaded ignorance. Cos its not been in the news, the papers, all over the internet and EVERYWHERE since the banks collapsed and nicked off with all our pocket money.

Her paranoia at recieving emails during the campaign, blaming it on a ‘Dedicated Labour Campaign’ was also telling. Her shock at being bombarded by mail was worrying, as Palmer and Watts both pointed out: we Beestonians/Broxtonians are involved constituents, not crazed spoof-missive scribblers. Have you sent a message to her of late? Did she reply?

Let me know anything you hear, and if anyone sees her roll up down their street in a Pickfords van, consolations, but at least we will know shes kept that one promise…


One good thing to come out of the Broxtowe election result was the news Nick Palmer will still continue to write his newsletter, with the shackles of politeness removed. Always a good read, even for non fans of Labour, politics or Broxtowe, its good to know he will keep up the updates. I got my first newsletter off Anna Soubry recently, and I shall not knock its grammar and spelling cos that would be like the blackest kettle in the world calling a pot names about its pigmentation. It did, however, read like a ‘Wot I dids on my Holidays’ essay. …  I will send a copy to anyone who requests it.


Thats all for now, Im off to write more of my script for my new film ‘Beestonia: The Movie’. I kid you not. Scenes have already been filmed, and the finished product will be put up here before debuting at Sundance or Cannes. If you fancy yourself as an actor, then don’t apply, you’ll only upstage me. More on this highly misguided project later.



8 thoughts on “Future Beestonia

  1. Russell says:

    I sent Anna an email on Friday, which did have a direct question in it (relating to the advert for an abortion clinic on channel four). The email was sent at about 10am and at the moment I have heard nothing back.

    I don’t think it is personal, even though I did run the ‘Conservatives for Nick Palmer’ group at the election. I might be wrong, as course.

    Also be interested in seeing a copy of that newsletter Matt, cheers!

  2. Anon says:

    Well, if this new “recall” power becomes law we could try to get her recalled!

  3. Kate says:

    Would like a copy of the AS newsletter please Matt! And glad normal service is resumed but you’re still going to be a thorn in her side

  4. Gareth says:

    Perhaps it’s fair to give her a few weeks to get her office up and running, appoint staff, pay her tea money… I’m awaiting Anna’s maiden speech with interest, and we’ll see how she goes from there.

  5. Alan-a-dale says:

    I agree that we should give her some time to settle in… but not too long.

    Nick Palmer is going to be a hard act to follow and we should ensure that Soubry is at least as good at addressing local, national and international issues as he was .

    I think one thing that the recent election did was to make many people determined to hold their MP’s to account and to make sure that they are fully committed to democratic reform. Like most Tories, I suspect that Anna isn’t.

    The new government’s plan to create more members of the House of Lords is not a good start on democratic renewal… http://www.power2010.org.uk/home/

    Thanks for the mention and the compliment by the way.

  6. Good to see you back in action, and I know what you mean about writing sober. I gave that up after my entry for the Action Man Story Competition 1970 bombed without trace. It was a cracking yarn, too. Thanks for the kind words and the link and I’d love to help out on your movie: script editor or crew catering, I don’t mind.

  7. Beth says:

    Hi Matt
    Much as I was and still am a big fan of Nick Palmer, I contacted Anna Soubry this week and got a really speedy and helpful response.

    I emailed Anna about the frustrating parking consultation thats currently happening in the Rylands on Monday night. By Tues lunchtime I had a reply that she had also sent on to the right people at the County Council, and later that day she sent me a further email with some info she had got me from the Council’s contractors.

    I didn’t vote for AS and was really dissappointed when she won Broxtowe from Nick – but to be fair I can’t fault her so far on her response to my issue both in terms of speed and helpfulness. Thought I would share this…..


  8. Andy says:

    Check out this Facebook profile. If you don’t recognise him do a Google search, possibly in conjunction of one for Nottingham’s favourite crime boss


    Now why would Ms Soubry want to be friends with someone who passes info to gangsters?

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