Soubz And Whose Army?

Let’s get some self-promotion out the way: my latest column for the Nottingham Post is here, if you fancy clicking ‘Like’ on it, if, y’know, like it, I’d be grateful. There isn’t a ‘dislike’ button so hate mail and boxed turds to the usual address please.


Also a shout out to the magnificent Beestonian Film Club at Cafe Roya, which somehow is the coolest thing in NG9 right now despite having the least cool-thing on two legs (me) running it. We’re having a special on Mondayt (21st), where we will be showing the best music videos from local bands for an hour, plus the musicians and directors of said videos to bask in your admiration. And bask you shall. We’ll then have a slap-up meal cooked by food hero Roya, then, full-bellied, sit down to watch a film with a music theme that will knck your dancing socks off. There is another extra-special treat to, but I’m keeping schtum so we don’t get too much of a rush on a tickets. If you fancy dropping in, reserve a ticket asap by emailing It’s just £7.50 per person, food included, doors 7.15pm.


Congratulations to Anna Soubry for getting a promotion in the latest reshuffle! Let this not sound disingenuous, I am proud our MP has done so well in such a short time. Anna and I have had our differences, but I hope she feels my sincerity when I wish her a hearty thumbs up in support of her elevation. Well done, Anna! army 1


news-graphics-2007-_652804a Of course, some may decry my jubilation as terror, terror that Soubz might have taken to heart my half-decade worth of writings on how she has lied, misrepresented, and failed as a constituency MP over her tenure! No! That was all light-hearted jest, bloggy banter, representative-ribbing! Anna is great, and her lies over moving to Broxtowe, how local postal workers felt about Royal Mail privatisation and how her party at a county level stood on compensation for those hurt by the tram, were all totally done in the spirit of having a laugh!


And I too was having a laugh when I wrote about her partner Neil, an exec at shonky builders Persimmon, maybe having a conflict of interest over the way councils could have their ability to control development removed if enough local controversy was evoked, thus leaving the same areas at the mercy of developers who could march in unimpeded…as Persimmon had already done…japes! Nothing but japes!


It’s been a few years of silly, fanciable writing that I did as I’m probably just one of those socially-awkward bloggers, puny shoulders weighed down with chips, who sit in their single-bed bedrooms and type out this stuff between frenzied sessions of onanism, to fruitlessly impede the progress of the greatest stateswoman Parliament has seen in living memory. raf


I liked her telly stuff too.


So let’s move on, ok? And let’s not assume any of the above is influenced at all by the realisation that our beloved MP is now only one step away from controlling the armed forces in the UK. That’s the armed forces that have in their control nuclear weapons, including warheads that would evaporate all matter from here to Mapperley if dropped on Beeston Square. Or the suspicion one phone call might lead to a garrison stationed at Chetwyn Barracks marching down Queens Road and annexing the bit of Attenborough I live in, as part of Gitmo Bay. Nope, I’m not worried about that whatsoever, and I simply cannot wear orange!


Ham-fisted satire aside, the recent reshuffle was both surprising and depressingly predictable. Soubz proclaimed ‘He doesn’t do tokenism!’ to the news crews awaiting responses outside Downing Street, referring to Cameron’s panicked tokenism. I’m sure the elevated female MPs all deserve the jobs they now have: but maybe it’s a shame they didn’t have them in 2010. Giving such positions away in the last few months of a government is only reminiscent of a sentimental football manager sticking on a few new-signing substitutions, to appease the terraces and maybe get a result. As is often expressed by both fans and pundits alike in such situations: to little, too late.


Though sacking Gove is the football equivalent of Arsene Wenger puckering up in the dying minutes of a turgid 1-0 beating and individually fellating each and every fan in the stadium, Arsenal supporter or otherwise. Cheers, Dave!


Politics asunder for a sec. I’ve had a few messages about how various works in town, tram and square, are inhibiting access for those less mobile. I am fairly mobile, and still find traversing Beeston hellish. Managable, but hellish. Especially in this bleeding stupid heat. Yet if I had to get by on a mobility scooter, or wheelchair, then stuff might not just be hellish but impossible. Judging by the info I’ve been sent, this is a real issue thus I would like you, if you have had access/mobility issues, to contact me for a piece I’m researching. Email at with the heading ‘access’.


Back to politics. The selection of candidates for 2015 is in full swing, and no great surprises on a Borough level. On a Parliamentary level, it’s still Soubry (Cons), Palmer (Lab) Kirwan (Green) Raw Potato (BNP) but still no news on the Lib Dem or UKIP candidates.

Now, it still is, technically early days. Campaigning is meant to be a process that only kicks in a few weeks before a vote. ‘Meant to be’. Both Soubry and Palmer have not been shy to get their presence known more readily recently. That’s not meant to sound cynical or sneery: I’m happy they are getting more involved, early on. Especially as they’ll get accused of ‘only appearing when they want my vote’ when they doorstep in 2015.

Kirwan for the Greens is a personable chap, who was recently interviewed by The Beestonian (not by me, I hasten to add). I wish him very well, and hope he secures his deposit.

Are the Lib Dems struggling to find a candidate? I won’t bore you with the details, but I’ve been sniffing around for a while to no avail. It will be a ‘paper candidature’ (ie: put up for the face save of having a candidate, albeit with no expectation or chance of winning), so hardly the most attractive of positions.


UKIP have promised to put up a ‘big hitter’ for the seat, and a UKIP insider recently told me Broxtowe had ‘Farage foaming’. Make of that what you will, but I assume it means England’s Favourite pint-swilling xenophobe intends to send a big-hitter to our borough, possibly as a fuck-you to Soubz televised arsey/ digitally provocation a few months back:

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It should be noted that UKIP’s support has dropped massively since May. I have long predicted they would peak at the 2014 Euros, and a certain political journalist who works on a national owes me £10 if they get less than 3 seats in 2015 will now surely agree, they are in decline before hitting a core, somewhere round 7%. Still, they will throw resources at their candidate, possibly a showy chancer rather than their usual, Bramcote-residing candidate, Chris Cobb. This will naturally split the Tory vote, but not to the extent it would have if this poll was running concurrent with the European Elections. Yet both the Tories and UKIP have a shitload of cash to throw around their targeted marginals (which is a point I will digress on later this month, after I received some interesting info on the expected funding for Soubz) so will make for an interesting battle. We’ll have the metropolitan media flood up here en-masse, demanding to suss out the macro though the micro, with no patronising cliche left un-uttered.

I’m getting ahead of myself. For the here and now, we’re ruled and represented by our most majestic leader. Anna Soubry MP, and for that we should be grateful. Anyone got a cellar they don’t use?