Darren Henry Decoded

What did our MP REALLY say in his recent statement? We applied our team of AI textual-analysis robots to decode Darren Henry

I’ve had many messages asking if i’d received an answer to my open letter (also sent direct) to Darren Henry: the answer is yes. I received an out of office that arrived a full three days after my email was sent (aren’t these things automatic? Why the delay?

I haven’t heard anyone else getting a reply, but Henry did stick out a statement in the hope of drawing the line under the whole affair in the hope it will go away. Let’s take a look at what it REALLY SAYS.

In recent days, I have received hundreds of emails from constituents which have scared the hell out of me regarding the actions of Dominic Cummings, the actual PM . I understand your anger and frustrations to the point I couldn’t be arsed to say anything for a week, especially given the personal difficulties and sacrifices that have been made by many people to reduce the spread of the virus. Please be assured that your points have been noted and ignored, and I have raised those concerns with the blonde chap pretending to be the Prime Minister.

Rather than comment immediately, I chose to wait until the Whips Office had written a cut-and paste response to send out, with the threat issued over WhatsApp that any deviation from this would lead to serious consequences, career wise Mr Cummings had offered an explanation and I had considered the available facts: that should I try and have a truly independent thought on this I would be sent packing back to Wiltshire and forget all about a stint as a minor minister at any point. This statement outlines my opinion on this matter and my resolve to move on and focus on the national challenge COVID-19 presents to the Tory party and how making mistakes that kill vast swathes of the electorate really isn’t going down well in the polls.

In his statement on Monday 25 May 2020, Mr Cummings offered an account of his reasons for travelling to Durham which was given in the Rose Garden, usually regarded as the place the Prime Minister gives statements too. So all fine there, then. I will not repeat the details here as the statement has been covered extensively elsewhere is patently a retrospective justification and so full of holes you could drain pasta in it. Having listened to Mr Cummings’ statement – and considered the available facts, Government guidance and statements from Dr Jenny Harries and not the many, many clinicians, public health experts, and members of SAGE – I have been told to personally believe he did not breach the lockdown guidelines. Of course, I do think he breached lockdown, but to say so would set me back when the next reshuffle of junior ministers happens. His account of his journey to Durham makes clear that he did everything possible to isolate – and protect – himself and his family whilst travelling and staying on his parents’ farm, and in now way were the multiple tweets I put out that clearly said ‘STAY AT HOME’ meant to be taken literally, at least by people like Dom, who is cleverer than you. Whilst I do question his decision to drive to Barnard Castle, and would not have taken the same course of action, I believe that Mr Cummings acted in the best interests of his family by taking his wide on a nice day trip for her birthday. It is clear that he was motivated by the need to keep his son safe by putting him in a car to drive down rural roads while unsure the driver’s vision was ok, should anything happen to him or his wife, such as crashing a car on a rural road as the driver’s vision was faulty, and I sympathize with this to the extent I’ll bother spelling ‘sympathise’ correctly.

I understand that not everyone absolutely no one will agree with my opinion, but I fundamentally believe in due process. It is ultimately for the police to consider the evidence and determine whether Mr Cummings’ actions were outside these lockdown rules which they said it was, but couldn’t fine as this cannot be done retrospectively, as I am well aware but will put in here to gaslight you – not other MPs, the media or you, scummy general public daring to have an opinion. Stop having opinions immediately. If Mr Cummings has breached the lockdown rules, action must be taken as we are all equal in the eyes of the law and yes I am laughing while i’m writing this. As other MPs have concluded, I would be shocked if a constituent advised me that they were receiving violent threats, being hounded by the media daring to ask questions about basic public safety and pressured to resign from their job because of allegations they had fully denied but were clearly bollocks. The fundamental principles of due process, being innocent until proven guilty and equality in the eyes of the law cannot be overlooked. If Mr Cummings is found to be guilty of a breach of these rules, my views on this matter will be different: I will immediately await the whips to send me another cut and paste statement to stick on my website that again cack-handedly tries some logical and legal contortions to ensure Dom doesn’t lose his job as PM.

It is clear that there has been also misinformation about Mr Cummings put out by Mr Cummings and Boris Johnson, who claimed the Barnard Castle trip never happened until the Daily Mirror whipped out the incontrovertable evidence (and other MPs, advisors and officials) circulating and this needs to stop although let’s face it, nobody is talking about them. They’re talking about Dom. Leave Dom alone. There have been rumours that I have been travelling between Broxtowe and Wiltshire; these are unfounded and untrue. Like many of you, the lockdown restrictions have required personal sacrifices from me as I receive a full wage over twice that of the average wage of my constituents, and a £10,000 payment so I can do my job in my actual constituency . I have not seen vulnerable members of my family for months. I was especially shocked to see journalists coming to my home to question me on this made up story do their job. I do not believe anybody – regardless of their occupation unless they are judges, journalists, Remainers, and anyone else trying to call for sanity to be met with Cummings-inspired social and mass media abuse, as we lurch from crisis to crisis – should be subject to such behaviour. To confirm, I have remained in Broxtowe and have fully complied with all lockdown requirements, and let’s face it, they’re pretty hazy anyway so this doesn’t mean a great deal. I might pop over to Newark Castle tomorrow as I think i’ve getting a cataract.

I appreciate the difficult sacrifices that people across Broxtowe, and the country, are making to stay safe and save lives. Going forward PLEASE GO FORWARD GO FORWARD NOTHING TO SEE HERE, I do not think it is wise to continue to debate the actions of one advisor Prime Minister who will be making the decisions on if I get a slightly nicer office in the Westminster or not. My team and I will continue to work relentlessly to support constituents, especially those most adversely impacted by this virus, as we approach the next phase –the inevitable second wave – of our fight against COVID-19. As ever, if I may be of any assistance, please do not hesitate to contact me where your email will be scrupously ignored or referred to the Whip’s Office so I know what to think.

As your MP (assistants: please check where this is for before sending), with the support of my excellent team who are in no way a liability and had to suddenly leave Twitter and my employment reently), I will now continue to focus my energy on the emails from constituents asking for help. Please forward me medals for this despite it being my actual job I’m paid handsomely for. To do anything other than this would be a disservice to the people of Broxtowe who need support in such a difficult and unprecedented time. As such, I will not be commenting further on this matter but, as I have always said, if I may be of assistance, I will always endeavour to support you and would urge you to contact me. Now back to your homes and don’t dare question the greatest of Cummings again, plebs. 

Any resemblance this has to emails / statements put out by multiple other vertebrae-free backbench Conservative MP’s is entirely coincidental. We are hive-mind.

Will this do Dom?

Darren Henry

MP for somewhere in Wiltshire Broxtowe